review - iLiveHere: Best & Worst UK Towns Reviewed

Portreath: The adult and teen chapters of the Cornish Mafia

Portreath is riddled with ner’do’wells and, like Illogan (see my previous post) has two distinct forms of Cornish Mafia. The adult and the teen chapters. The adult chapter of the Cornish Mafia are made up of wannabe politicians and local fishermen. These people meet on a regular basis and discuss vitally important issues like whether […]

Bridgwater: like an open cesspit, the thickest sh*ts tend to accumulate here

Bridgwater is best described as a ‘meeting place’ in that like an open cess-pit, the thickest ***** tend to accumulate here. These are the people that cut themselves shaving and place the plaster on the mirror. Cro-magnon man would have no trouble fitting-in here though his wife would need to get a ‘wide load’ tattoo […]

Tipton, a hive of villainy

Tipton is in the Black Country, part of the West Midlands. It used to be one of the most industrial and smoky towns in England but most of the factories have now been closed and knocked down. It’s made the air in Tipton less dirty but unemployment has gone up in the last 20 years. […]

Northampton, degenerating from once proud centre of middle England

A Town degenerating from once proud centre of middle England to **** torment. Where to start… For starters, back in the 1970’s/80’s when I was growing up, there was not one modified 15 year old car in sight. Just your crappy cars of dubious build quality that broke down after 1000 miles and had to […]

Aberystwyth – the breeding ground of hybrid brummie *****!

Ahhh Aberystwyth, a lovely seaside student town full of surfers, indie chicks and dudes and generally decent people with an above average IQ. surrounded by beaches and with a backdrop of mountains it is a scenic and perfect escape…..with one downfall its the end of the railway line from Birmingham and *****/********* discovered this hideaway […]

Witney – a truly godforsaken Oxfordshire Sh*thole

Just so you know the exact location of this s**t-hole (And can therefore avoid it) Witney is in the South/west Midlands – Many a year ago it was even considered to be in the South East, but got so chavy we were kicked out by our posh neighbours. A common misinterpretation is that we are […]

Irthlingborough, home of the Wellingborough ner’do’well

Irthlingborough is the breeding ground for the greater spotted Wellingborough ****, and is where ***** are raised and trained before being allocated swagger-and-stare time in the local capital of Wellingborough. As such, Irthlingborough constitutes the local university for future *****, who are encouraged to come and study here for a well-rounded and comprehensive **** education.The […]

Chorley (small insignificant sh*thole between Blackburn and Preston)

From the moment you enter this diseased hell hole you can smell the social waste of time, first stop is market walk, a ridiculous sort of shopping centre but with cheap ****** shops, like ***** favourite the Card Factory complete with squawking sprog and ecig cloud blown in your face. Home of the shoplifting ****, […]

Hailsham and Eastbourne: Shut the door on your way out… oh, you’ve gone

The rise of the **** in the public’s mind (very much like the rising of bile in your throat after a bad curry) makes me laugh. ***** have been prominent in Hailsham and Eastbourne for as long as I can remember – hell, I was being beaten up in Hailsham Town Centre as long ago […]

Bishops Stortford, boring, but a generally pleasant… what happened?

Living in Bishops Stortford, Hertfordshire

Bishops Stortford. Once a quiet, peacefull town, in Hertfordshire. A bit boring, but a generally pleasant place. What the hell happened? The ***** have landed. They have infiltrated almost everywhere, and before long Stortford will be the new Harlow*. No one is safe. *just in case you are unaware, harlow is the disgrace of my […]

Timperley: no one can stand the ghastly Frank Sidebottom statue

Timperley… the very name conjures up images of winding leafy lanes, lazy afternoons spent playing pooh-sticks in the brook, tombolas and the distant thwock of leather on willow down at the cricket club. However, there is a darker side to this English village.. an evil who’s presence is felt from the local chippy to the […]

Leek: Lock your windows and don’t make eye contact

The signs say as you enter, “Queen of the Moorlands”. Those in the know say as they enter “Lock you windows and don’t make eye contact, you know i love you very much don’t you”. Leek is in the unfortunate situation of not only being a typical **** breeding ground, but a total **** hole […]