Living in Shaw, Oldham

Shaw, as annoying as an improperly wiped backside

In Shaw, a wretched little turd like me can fight, snort coke and behave like a complete animal without so much as causing a single eyelash to flutter!

Living in Withington, Manchester

Withington, Manchester – The area that we all just gave up on

Withington is a place that Manchester should just forget about, the people there too. If you ever decide to move here, oh god, good luck to you.

Living in Mawdesley, Lancashire

The diseased heart of darkness that is Mawdesley

Things like a pavement, a street light, a train station, that give Latham that real "buzz" are absent in Mawdesley.

Living in Harpurhey, Manchester

Harpurhey – You don’t have to smoke spice to live here, but it helps

When told we were moving to Harpurhey, I was devastated. I tried to throw myself under the 52 bus. Fortunately it never turned up on time.

Living in Blackburn, Lancashire

Blackburn – Dear oh dear me

Take it from me, some estates in Blackburn make Syria look calm.