A Town degenerating from once proud centre of middle England to **** torment.
Where to start… For starters, back in the 1970’s/80’s when I was growing up, there was not one modified 15 year old car in sight. Just your crappy cars of dubious build quality that broke down after 1000 miles and had to serviced every 5 minutes. Now, the tables have turned. There is now an abundance of 15 year old Fiestas, Corsas and (for the slightly better off ****) not so old VW Golfs and Peugoet 207’s in Northampton. All have darkened windows, wheels that are ridiculously too big, mechanno sets bolted onto the back to resemble spoilers and silencers removed from the exhaust system. All of them can be found hurtling around the one-way system constantly with stereos blaring, or massing in the lower part of the large car-park near T-Max and another **** hangout – Time and Envy nightclub, performing ‘donuts’ all night. This phenomenon may have spilled over from nearby Bedford, the chavvie boy racer’s capital of the UK.
Going out for a few drinks in ‘Norrrfamp’un’ on a Friday or Saturday night is a glorious sight. You need a calculator to add up all the spotty fat ******** in mini skirts sporting 6 inch high heals and the classic Croydon facelift. Then there is the man in the ridiculously tight T-shirt who thinks he’s Arnie and the **** who likes to portray his ‘wealth’ with a large toilet chain around his neck, ******* over the top of his Tommy Hilfiger or D&G top (fake of course). One of the best places to spot these are NBs in Bridge street, once a smart, safe drinking hole, now a ******** full to the brim with the roughest clientele imaginable, all ‘givvin it large’ and spoiling for a fight after asking ‘wotcha looookin’ at!!??
The best place has to be Chicago’s – the ‘Eastern District Social Club’, eastern district being a notoriously large and dense area of council house Northampton **** and is hell on earth – leave your car parked for 5 minutes and it will have no wheels and stereo left. Never will you see such a high volume of ***** than in Chicago’s. It mainly consists of wrinkly females over 50 out with their daughters, and men of all ages trying out their one-liners on them. If you get bored, you can always go upstairs and watch from a safe distance and there is also plenty of balcony space and opportunity to throw drink (or worse) over the unsuspecting ****, but beware – you will get thrown out if caught, and be likely to cop a beating too from the over eager bouncers. For the more sophisticated with a chunk of his benefit payment to blow, there is the recently opened Urban Tiger lap dancing club, full of strippers with names like Porsche, Mercedes and Heavenly.
Northampton town centre desperately needs redevelopment – there is no more a higher concentration of 70’s concrete architecture, run down crappy buildings than here, and bargain basement shops which attract ***** like flies around ***** (Gold Street). I would say that it is now in the top league of Chavness in the UK. And if you really want to take your life in your hands, walk alone past the DSS office on The Mounts opposite St. Michaels car-park and be prepared for a torrent of abuse as you pass by all the ***** ******* around outside smoking, dropping litter and feeding their numerous offspring, ready to gob or transmit some hideous ailment onto you.
Taking into account the above, I’m proud that to say Northampton could finally become recognised for something other than making shoes and a constantly erratic and under-performing football team. A favourite pastime for the local **** is to watch the ‘footy’, but as they are too lazy to work and earn enough money to pay for the entrance fee, will strain to watch from the hill that overlooks the stadium to avoid paying to get in.
Northampton, observe our loverly wide range of *****
Burton Latimer – **** Central Of Kettering
Rugby aka Drugby
Daventry, town of the zombie
Northampton – where apathy rules OK
Northampton: characterless & overflowing with nobs & Eastern Europeans
Northampton: dangerous at night, unpleasant during the day
Daventry, the opposite of Hotel California
Northampton: come one, come all and suck us dry