Living in Taplow and Maidenhead, Berkshire

Maidenhead: Not fit for a Royal wedding!

I woke one morning in Maidenhead, looked out the window and thought ‘oh my god, I have completely failed in life’.

Living in Woking, Surrey

Woking: good train links to London apart from that it’s a sh*thole

Avoid Woking, visit Guildford, Camberley or Farnham instead or else some pink haired chav might mug you.

Living in Forest Row, East Sussex

The sting in the wonder tale of Forest Row in Sussex

There's a population in this Forest Row - small but vociferous (kind of terrier-like) opinionated, arrogant, smug - that needs to be avoided at all cost.

Living in Haywards Heath, West Sussex

Haywards Heath – the patio of England

Haywards Heath is a characterless, noisy, nightmare. It is a swindle-hole full of rot, with not a scrap of Heath land in sight.

Living in Hailsham, East Sussex

Hailsham… Town of the ‘wannabe’

Towns near Hailsham are similar. The people don't know how lucky they are to have grown up in an area with no guns and clean air.