Witney – a truly godforsaken Oxfordshire Sh*thole

Living in Witney, Oxfordshire

Just so you know the exact location of this s**t-hole (And can therefore avoid it) Witney is in the South/west Midlands – Many a year ago it was even considered to be in the South East, but got so chavy we were kicked out by our posh neighbours.

A common misinterpretation is that we are all quite posh – this is the South Midlands sweetie. Well we’re not. Theres nothing a Witney-er hates more then a posh ****. Most people fail to understand most things spoken by a Witney C**v – the strong Bristol-esque accent is simply too much. ‘innit’ was thought to originate here.

Similar to Portsmouth, Witney is made up of a large number of estates – Deer Park, Thorney leys, Smiths and then the posher-ends – Madley Park, Woodgreen, Coggs and the rest. Surprisingly for this c**v-tastic town, the majority of these estates are not actually council owed, although there is a large number of ‘shelter housing’ schemes – basically for smack-heads and the disabled – who are often terrorised by the Witney youth.

How grim is your Postcode?

Hang outs include the Madley park – no longer child-friendly. A 13 year old was arrested yesterday for abusing a 7 year old disabled girl… The Welsh Way and various supermarket car parks and Tesco forecourts also prove popular. Past-times include breaking into, and then racing around the cars in Welsh way – Right outside the towns police station – no joke.

Thick as s**t these c***s. Then there’s always the many (and mainly welsh for some reason) Truckers who like to park up and sleep around Witney. They have there own ******, 20+ kids families who live around various Witney parts.  ***** is the only word to describe most Witney mothers..

But wait – let us not forget the Irish ******* who love to park up on various fields and football pitches and then like to appear on South Today/Central News/Inside Out – complaining about something or other!

And then there’s the Whack Bench – Located outside Adams on the high street – a popular place for the ever-increasing teen mum population.

Shopping in Witney is quite fantastic for a Witney C**v, and if its not good enough theres always Oxford. Robert Dyas, Argos, New Look, Pundies and some branded sports shop are the places to be.

Well that concludes our short tour of Witney – Come and visit us – If you dare! (Herpes at your own risk)