People often say to me, "oh you are from St Andrews, you must be posh?", to which I reply, "I'll tell the jokes!"
Prestonpans people are half baked, miserable, bitter, and as sour faced as Andrew Lloyd Webber licking on a nettle.
Pollok, Glasgow, named after the fish that used to swim in the river before it became too trolley strewn to support any living creature.
The main hotel in Aviemore looks more like a huge block of council flats, the estates on the outskirts are little more than ghettos.
Forth Village residents range from angry old people visibly flustered that the Grim Reaper has overlooked them, to young delinquents and single mums on benefits chugging Buckfast.