East Kilbride – slice of hell cut off from civilisation

This is posted as someone who moved to East Kilbride 2.5 years ago temporarily and will soon be leaving, by the grace of all that is holy. As a ‘new town’ in the 60’s and 70’s East Kilbride originally attracted lots of industry workers and their families. However due to the mammoth distance of 10 miles to the centre of Glasgow, this apparently means that ********** and insular traditions have taken a stronghold in this slice of hell cut off from civilisation (apparently).

You never leave

If someone is born in East Kilbride, the chances of them leaving are close to nil, as it has ‘everything you need’. This comprises of plenty of ways to spend your money, despite the fact that a large portion of the population have none. If an EK native uses this phrase, do not contradict them. They will either fight you or you will put ideas in their head about moving… best to keep them in.

It is not uncommon for an individual to date their first partner at 13. They stay together for 4 years, break up, have relations with all their ex’s friends, then marry said original partner. A ‘happily ever after’ in Greenhills, trying not to be stabbed while buying a roll and chips. Coincidentally, East Kilbride has the highest number of known pedophiles living there in South Lanarkshire [This may not be true]. So it has that going for it.

Sliding Scale

The ne’er-do-well Scale in East Kilbride is a sliding one. The normies can be found trying to live their life as the sole grain of sanity within many of the tower blocks, council buildings and disintegrated flats that give East Kilbride it’s famous grey concrete skyline, as they attempt to balance the pros of calling environmental health with the chances of retaliation.

Old Timers

Many old timers can be found in East Kilbride who remember the sense of community and the glory days of the 70’s. It is advised to nod and smile as they talk as the deafening bass music shakes the building from next door neighbours. Due to younger people who have the IQ of a lemon, remaining in East Kilbride with their like-lemoned pals instead of finding a job or studying elsewhere, this old timer’s grandson is likely a tight fitting joggy-bottomed ned who would sell her for a gram of spice. So no need to remind her of that while she’s talking about the great fete of 1978.


Adventure seekers will love East Kilbride for the adrenaline which comes from walking the streets after 9pm, as drunken thugs bumble through the maze of roads trying to find their flat on a Tuesday night, yelling obscenities and screaming for no apparent reason. They will also appreciate the convenience of this adrenaline rush when you don’t even have to leave your house! Regularly in The Murray, this particular brand of ne’er-do-well will treat you to a bit of terror in your own home, by kicking and punching front doors and demanding entry on pain of death – and they don’t even live in the building! What japes. Better yet, bins and windows are no match for these beacons of masculinity who make sure you KNOW who’s the big man as they attempt to walk in a straight line and form a sentence, which is difficult enough for them when they’re sober.

All in all, East Kilbride is fine to visit for a day or so – but avoid living here unless you are desperate. Despite there being ‘nicer’, areas – they are being infiltrated by violence rapidly and it’s only a matter of time.

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