Glenrothes and why God is a cruel, cruel man

Living in Glenrothes, Fife, Scotland

Glenrothes is truly one of a kind. One of a kind in the sense that you could never make a town as terrible and rotten if you tried. If you ever (unfortunately) find yourself in Glenrothes, Fret not! We have plenty of bridges to hurl yourself off!

But before you decide that life may not be worth it in the first place, why don’t you see all the sights that this wonderful place has to offer! One such site would be the Kingdom Shopping Centre, famous for the unmistakable stench of pish and marijuana as soon as you enter, accompanied by the dissonant wail of 100 victims of teenage pregnancy (mother and child alike). While you’re in the shopping centre you can purchase anything your heart desires, such as but not limited to, Sausage Rolls from Greggs, a Lego Set from ToyTown or Ketamine from Tam.

After purchasing your class A drugs and narrowly dodging 3 stabbing attempts you can head down to the Town Park, which has the highest percent of ned’s per square foot since the Flanders household. This epicentre of gene pool shallowing is the place of conception for many children and ****** addictions. Walking through this area past 7PM is highly discouraged unless you are a drug dealer, as blunts are passed around whilst a 13 year-old loses her virginity to her 32 year-old boyfriend.

How grim is your Postcode?

After escaping the Land of Wonders and Blunders that is the town park, if you don’t have a fractured skull (somehow), you can head down to Cadham. Possibly one the most civil places in Glenrothes, With a population of 2,000-ish and roughly 3 families, you’re still never far away from a fight in Cadham. Whether the fight happens delightfully vandalised underpasses, or in the Football cage reworked into an MMA ring, is up to you.

After trudging your way through Cadham, you may now re-evaluate your choices and return to the bridge, for you to plummet to your death and be eaten by a feral herd of junkies.