This year we have done something a little different. We wanted to highlight those towns that sap the residents will to live. Bland, boring, soulless, uncultured middle-England municipalities of mediocrity, that imbue the inhabitants with an almost terminal case of ennui and you delivered. The top 20 most depressing towns in Britain, as voted for by you, is here and were the results a shock.
They say it’s grim up north, but given the results of this poll, it’s dull AF down south, in particular, in Devon. The Cleckhuddersfax golden triangle of Yorkshire grim, doesn’t even get a look in. Anyway, you didn’t come here to read, you came here to bathe in schadenfreude, thinking of the estate agents in our role call of beige, so let’s get started!
20. Chatham, Kent
We hoped a soul destroying medway town would make it on to the list and we weren’t disappointed. Ok, it wasn’t Sittingbourne that inspired this new poll, but Chatham is close enough. If you’re in the area, check out Luton Road, you can rent a bedsit by the day!
19. Basingstoke, Hampshire
We had a quick poll in the office before starting this. Name a town you’ve never been to that you think conjures up an instant feeling of grinding depression just by the name…
18. Wells, Somerset
“Hey Google, what is Wells famous for?” The cathedral has the heaviest ring of ten bells in the world. *snore* Plus it’s in the middle of nowhere and you have to battle your way through 30 miles of hippie infest4tion to reach civilization.
17. Blackpool, Lancashire
There was bound to be a faded seaside town on our list. Winter in these towns is enough to make even the most hardened turn to smack. Blackpool fills the ‘türd rolled in glitter’ entry a treat.
16. Teignmouth, Devon
Our first of four entries in our top 20 from the West Country county of Devon. Stunningly picturesque in the places you see online, but obviously has a stupefying effect on its all-year residents.
15. Torquay, Devon
We love it when a town that looks down on its neighbours like the English Riviera (English Sh*tty Area) gets voted for so much. You can almost imagine local journos rage baiting yokel middle-class bridge-club boomers over this!
14. Widnes, Cheshire
Widnes is an industrial town and its major industry is the manufacture of chemicals… and that’s all you need to know.
13. Swindon, Wiltshire
Pig town has made it on to our beige list too. Well done my luvvers!
12. Croydon, Greater London
The ars3 end of London that is almost one big retail estate. We prefer Streatham and that’s saying something.
11. Luton, Bedfordshire
Does little Tommeh Robinson still live there? We hope so, keeping himself and his goon squad safely quarantined from the rest of the country… until the next Universal Credit day.
10. Crawley, West Sussex
A-ha-ha creepy Crawley. The town that the rest of West Sussex would prefer was in Surrey. A town that makes Horsham look hip and happening!
9. Paignton, Devon
We once heard it described as Pound Shop Padstow. It’s where the Torquay Conservative club members live who are a bit down on their luck old bean.
8. Portsmouth, Hampshire
Probably the most culturally moribund town in the south of England. Still haunted by the spectre of what happened in Paulsgrove to that poor “pediatrician”. Most of the residents are kicky-ball obsessed, why? There’s literally nothing else to get vaguely excited about once you’ve visited the Navy museum a few times.
7. Ellesmere Port, Cheshire
“Ellesmere Port is home to Cheshire Oaks, the largest discount shopping village of its type in the country” – Visit Cheshire. If that’s doesn’t make you think the town is the equivalent of sitting in a tepid bath with a plugged in radio teetering on the edge of the tub, then we don’t know what will.
6. Yeovil, Somerset
Somerset Live has a quite enthralling article called “8 reasons why Yeovil is the best place to live in the country” and they are some of the most pathetic and frankly lame reasons we have ever heard. It deserves to be higher.
5. Tiverton, Devon
“On the outskirts of Tiverton lies the Grand Western Canal with an amazing 24 bridges along its 11-mile stretch”. Are you thinking of Canal Boating with Alan Partridge? The last of our Devon pastoral picturesque places that no doubt papers over an underbelly of oppressive black-dog-humping-your-leg ennui.
4. Alloa, Scotland
Culturally devoid and one of the most deprived places in Scotland, Alloa is Scotland’s first entry on our depression succession.
3. Aberdeen, Scotland
Are you colourblind? Do you have that monochrome sort of colour blindness? Then Aberdeen is the town for you. For everyone else, unless lots of grey stone is your architectural jam or you’re too smacked up to notice, you should avoid Scotland’s oil capital.
2. Peterborough, Cambridgeshire
depression noun as in low spirits; despair. Synonyms: cheerlessness, woefulness, ennui, melancholy, Peterborough.
