Ferryhill: The trains speed up as they pass through

Living in Ferryhill, County Durham

Ferryhill, a once thriving mining village had (at some point in its history) the longest recorded railway platform in the world! Sadly these days the trains speed up as they pass through… presumably commuters experience something akin to Jurassic Park as they pass by. Only with wasted yokels taking the place of velociraptors. Those few […]

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A Depressing Lifetime in Ashington, Northumberland

Living in Ashington, Northumberland

Ashington used to be a very depressing place. At one time the narrow footpaths between the back to back mining rows were full of dog cr@p and litter, not to mention the permanent smell of urine from drunks who staggered home from the many working men’s clubs that plagued the town. Plucking Banjos When the […]

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Newcastle: You might as well jump pet!

Living in Newcastle Upon Tyne

Newcastle Upon Tyne, a quaint city boasting lots of architectural features from which you can hurl yourself off when life in this grey hued eugenics tribute act gets to much [although we at iLiveHere would never advocate this or to use the native language “y’divit wanna dee that pet” and yes, that’s our legal backside […]

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Newcastle, just don’t

Living in Newcastle, Tyne and Wear

Hailed as a cultural mecca by the [allegedly] corrupt city Council, the toon (Newcastle) is not somewhere a sentient being would go to make a pilgrimage. The culture largely consists of some big buildings covered in pigeon ****. Yes, there are universities, but the only locals they contain are cleaning the toilets. Meet the Locals […]

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Darlington: Town of Brass Bands and Despair

Living in Darlington, County Durham

Darlington. Beautiful Darlington. Traditional market town that is the embodiment of North Eastern values. When I was growing up there, expectant mothers did not get the usual NHS offering of a ‘baby starter pack of nappies, wet wipes and a helpful booklet’. No; babies of Darlington Memorial Hospital were prepared for life as a future […]

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Tynemouth – Pearly White False Teeth Mouth of the Tyne

Living in Tynemouth, Tyne and Wear

If you manage to get through North Shields alive, or bear the brunt of the perpetual traffic jam of the A1058 ‘coast road’, you might make it to Tynemouth, but it’s probably not worth risking either route unless you; Surf badly Are over the age of 50 Like rubbish castles Tynemouth is full of rubbish […]

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Harrogate – Brilliant if you like floral displays on traffic islands

Living in Harrogate, North Yorkshire

Harrogate has previously won “Happiest Place to Live in Britain” awards. Unfortunately it has dropped a few places on those rankings, mostly because surveys have shown that many, many people who live in Harrogate are really miserable gits. It also ranks highly for the most drunk driving convictions in Yorkshire and the most usage of […]

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Rotherham than me…

Living in Rotherham, South Yorkshire

Having lived and worked in many places around England including Middlesbrough, Sunderland, Preston (Depreston!), Leigh, Bootle & Great Yarmouth, all of which have their problems, I have to say that you have no idea just how piss poor a town can be. I was born and bred in Rotherham. I spent the first 25 years […]

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York – From Hell to Middle Class Hades

Living in York, North Yorkshire

Been away from York for about 10 years and recently returned. So many changes to report. Something of a cycling city, my previous report bemoaned the number of teenager that would rat run the pedestrianised area, flattening anyone that got in their way. I presume that in the last 10 years these inappropriately attired (in […]

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North Shields – Shield yourself at all costs

Living in North Shields, Tyne and Wear

Ah, North Shields. Truly a bastion of the North. A magnificent representation of our wonderful cultural values – alcoholism, drugs and screaming at your children like it’s an episode of Jeremy Kyle outside of the Metro station, while your husband is off purveying the cheap lager at the local offy. Residents despise their life In […]

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Manchester City Centre – Failing to live the dream

Living in Manchester City Centre

Ah, Manchester. A refuge for people who seek to find a platform to express themselves. A place for people abroad to come and get a taste of the norths busiest city. A place to experience history which has helped to transform the world. A place for one of the most recognised and highly sought after […]

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Ferryhill: the town’s female population are permanently pregnant

Living in Ferryhill, County Durham

Ferryhill is a small, former pit village in South West Durham with a population of around ten thousand. A typical terraced house can be purchased for about the same price as the weekly shop in any town in the Home Counties. Unfortunately they’re still overpriced due to the high concentration of pond life who reside […]

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