A minor miracle has just happened in the UK. The government has published the new indices of multiple deprivation statistics… before the next election. Coming around less often than a leap year, these are the statistics that a lot of politicians dread. Last published in 2015, they are the definitive guide to how god-awful each of England’s 32,844 wards are. A ward’s overall multiple deprivation score and therefore rank, are based on a percentage of several factors and we are very much paraphrasing here;
- How much income people don’t have, including kids and pensioners (22.5%).
- How hard it is to get a job in the government-forsaken hole (22.5%)
- Residents level of education and skills, plus lack of access to training (13.5%)
- How unhealthy people are and how likely they are to be or become disabled (13.5%)
- How likely residents are to become a victim of crime (9.3%)
- Access to adequate housing and services (9.3%)
- How **** it is inside and outside of your home (9.3%)
So given this checklist of misery, how did we compile this top ten? We ran down the ranks of wards and picked out the towns as they appeared, ignoring wards in the same town after the worst had been found. We also disregarded large cities… which meant just one, Liverpool. After all that, we had our list. Here we present the worst towns in England according to government 2019 statistics:
10. Blackburn, Lancashire
Scraping into our top 10 is Blackburn in Lancashire. The statistics area for grimness covers the Blackburn Central and Mill Hill & Moorgate wards. These wards are in the top 10% of the most deprived when it comes to income, health, job prospects and crime, delightful! Here’s what our contributors had to say about Blackburn:
If you dare to walk down these downtrodden dog sh*t ridden estates (mind the needles), you will almost certainly spot the inhabitants walking freely in dressing gowns, fluffy slippers, undoubtedly pregnant with a fag in gob going to pick up another free prescription from the overly used clap clinic.
9. St Helens, Merseyside
Coming in at No.9 is St Helens in Merseyside. The statistics area for grimness covers the Parr and Town Centre wards. These wards are in the top 10% when it comes to lack of income and income deprivation affecting children. It’s also the 27th worst ward in England to find work. Here’s what our contributors had to say about St Helens:
The insular nature of the town has created a stream of simple people who are missing a few vital genetic components. The hills have eyes in this squalid cesspool and this achievement can only be matched by other outlying no-mans-land areas like Widnes and Wigan where the rivalry is high for two reasons, rugby and the race to find new genes.
Pink lacoste tracksuit wearing, people carrier driving, illiterate speaking, fake Beyonce perfumed single mothers on benefits can be seen throughout parr.. some as young as 14-15.
8. Lowestoft, Suffolk
In at No.8 is everyone’s favourite Suffolk sh*thole, Lowestoft. The statistics area for grimness covers the Kirkley & Pakefield ward. Here’s what our contributors had to say:
The other day I saw a couple of inbreds, yes, with their baseball caps, allowing their similarly inbred staffy mongrel to run about in McDonald’s and attack the chairs. To say there’s something very very wrong with Lowestoft people, would be as much of an understatement as calling a hurricane a mild breeze.
7. Gainsborough, Lincolnshire
In at No.7 is our first Lincolnshire hole, Gainsborough. The statistics area for grimness covers the Gainsborough South-West ward. Gainsborough is in highest 10% for almost all the categories of deprivation described above, ranking particularly high for its denizens being completely and utterly broke. Here’s what our contributors had to say:
Do you need a bag of blow or a quick fix to get you through the bank holiday? Never fear! there is at least one purveyor of exotic and illegal spices on every street, willing to sell at low, low prices to the newcomer (discounts available to under-14s).
Gainsborough is quite a pleasant place to live… if you live in the correct part that is. For example, if you live in the uphill of Gainsborough where Whites Wood Lane is, you’re likely to keep your windows intact. However if you live in a different part, your windows may not survive.
6. Grimsby, Lincolnshire
At No.6 is Grimsby, the town that has taken the crown in our own worst places to live poll. The statistics area for grimness covers the East Marsh ward. The deprivation indices show that it maybe not as bad as a lot of other places inside your home, but step outside and the world goes to sh*t. Here’s what our contributors had to say:
I was a happy outgoing person before moving [to Grimsby], but now I’m shadow of my former self. I became terrified of going out except to university (if you can call it that).
GRIMSBY/CLEETHORPES! what a backward, retarded, cold, unfriendly, sh*thole this place is! unless you have lived here for 5000 years, forget it, The locals are rude, cold, unfriendly, suspicious, and absolute sh*ts.
5. Hull, Humberside
In at No.5 is another perennial favourite from our own Top 10 of worst place to live and former crown winner. The statistics area for grimness covers the Marfleet ward. Hull gets its top 10 place for constantly being in the top 10% in almost all deprivation indices. What stood out for us is the level of income deprivation does not really change from childhood to retirement. Here’s what out contributors had to say:
There is a complete anti-education and anti-authority attitude running through the veins of the place AND the place is completely surrounded by council estates. It is like a city under siege.
If anybody is any doubt about the quality of people in Hull, just spend 10 minutes stood outside the Maternity Unit at Hull Royal Infirmary, watch in amazement as 15 year old Courtney shouts at her 3 kids to “fooking get back ear or I’ll fooking bray yer” as she chain smokes her 3 fag before re-entering the building to spitting out another no-dad.
4. Birkenhead, Merseyside
At No.4 is the less than salubrious Merseyside dump of Birkenhead. The statistics area for grimness covers the Bidston and St James ward. Consistently in the top 10% of deprivation for most indices, this ward is the 7th poorest in the country, which considering the city of Liverpool is not that far away is pretty sh*te. Here’s what our contributors had to say:
If you’re looking for a raw and edgy subject for your sociology dissertation, or you feel a bit low and need something to remind you why you bettered yourself, then visit the council estates of Birkenhead. Be warned, when you see humanity at its worst it can make you not want to bring your own children into the world. Leave before you see too much.
Nobody has much sympathy or empathy for anybody else and they seem to take the utmost in pleasure in anyone else’s misfortune…
3. Burnley, Lancashire
Slam dunking in at the Bronze position is the northern
powerhouse sh*thouse of Burnley. The statistics area for grimness covers the Trinity ward. This ward is not in top 10% of deprivation for every indices, but when it is (which is most of them) it really takes the biscuit. Here’s what our contributors had to say:
What was not burnt down in the riots seems to be being pulled down by the council and re-grassed, to allow easier terrain for the world famous Burnley Wood retards to take their 15 mongrel staffs per home for a sh*te.
2. Blackpool, Lancashire
Not quite making the top spot and it’s hard to see why not, is the famed seaside “resort” of Blackpool. The statistics area for grimness covers the Bloomfield ward, but with 9 out of the 10 worst wards in the country situated in Blackpool, it basically applies to the whole town. Here’s what our contributors had to say:
I was enchanted as a child by the fairground wonderland of Blackers. The promenade, the pleasure beach, the trams and the illuminations. Now even the thought of visiting this 10th rate smack-scrote ********, grotty, STD happy sh*thole, makes me rather have root canal work done!
Want to lighten your load? Well visit Blackpool, where some inbred benefits bum can alleviate you of your car keys, wallet, phone and shoes.
1. Jaywick, Essex
Despite Blackpool’s domination of the Indices of Multiple Deprivation tables, there is one ward that strikes fear into the hearts of those who know it, Jaywick. This Clacton-on-sea ward has the infamous title of being the absolute worst place to live in England using the government’s own statistics. We would very much like to bring you some choice quotes by our contributors about Jaywick, but there are none. We can only presume that’s because no one in Jaywick can afford broadband or an internet connected phone. Instead enjoy this lovely article about Clackers!
Read “Clacton on Sea, Essex, so incestuous that it is twinned with itself”