clacton, essex, property guide
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in East Anglia, Essex, United Kingdom

I should first point out that I do not live there (in a sense does anyone?) I have only visited. I may be foolish but I am not bloody stupid!

Clacton or ‘Clackers’ or ‘London by the sea’ is a seaside town (the clue is in the name) that is so incestuous that it is twinned with itself. It could also be that the dockside where Russia dumps it’s rusting nuclear subs turned their irradiated noses up when offered the gig.

Their offer to tow a leaky sub to sit off Clacton pier as an attraction was only refused after protests from the time warp resorts of Walton on the Naze and Frinton. But Clacton is the subject and it’s remedial level for sure. Entirely bereft of any charm (that’s the place and it’s occupants) it relies on seducing the unwary with endless burger shops, arcades, cheap clothing stores with knock off quality copies of last years fashion. Chav shopping heaven!

It also has a glum and dreary market that has micro Chavs being lead round by the hand as their parents who are possibly also their sisters/aunts/brothers etc look for something remotely worthy of a £1 plus purchase. Older Chavs in the most common teens to early twenties bracket, hang around the car parks (christ they sure know how to live), Public loos (start as they mean to go on? Perhaps they’d call it work experience), and guitar shop.

I must confess that the guitar shop has been my only reason for visiting as it’s okay and has a certain tattooed rockabilly charm and eye candy guitars. Quite how the shop manages to keep £2000 Gretches out of the hands of thieving Chavs is a minor miracle. The owner must be a treble hard bastard.

Clacton is dirty, so dirty in fact that a quick spruce up or pre holiday season make over will not impact upon the grime inflicted upon it by it’s population. I guess if you flatten most of the buildings, bombed the pier, closed 98.9% of the retail outlets (it’s easier to call them want to be junk shops) and removed the population it might be half decent place. After all, it has a nice location and the sea…..No I’m not convinced either.

The pier is Clackers main ‘attraction’ and is as damp, dirty and disappointing as any other aspect of the place. At least you are temporarily free of the locals there as it’s just for tourists but don’t be fooled! Here we experience the dichotomy that is Clacton on Sea ‘population ..too many, brain cells..too few.’

It’s visitors are as bad or worse than the locals (I am begging leave to excuse myself from this equaton on the grounds of not being inbred, of knowing what a bin is and how to use it and not commonly spitting on the floor as I hang outside shops). The dregs of the North, the Midlands and London descend upon this place as a home from home which if they live in a Chav town, it is.
Rather than diluting the gene pool they make it murkier still and leave one with the feeling than a month of rain could not cleanse the place of the crap they drop.

Suffice to say that Chav wear,bling,Novas and all the usual uninventive, follow the bloody mentally feeble leader crap is in abundance whilst taste, good manners and quietly spoken people are not. Public rows are the thing, so visitors feel free to berate your little Chav or Chavette for being a little ‘Cant’ and showing you up at your most irritating volume level. Now that I’ve done the Clacton on Seas’ tourist boards’ job for them you might well ask why I visited more than once? Well I didn’t, much, and then only for the guitar shop and the happy memory of my mate being shat on by a seagull near the pier as he threw chips to them. I had told him not to feed the vermin as it only encourages them and he must have assumed I meant the locals. The seagull quite rightly gave it’s verdict on the local cuisine and perhaps on the town above which he soared on thermals that stubbornly refused to take him away?

  • kit

    I moved here for work 6 months ago. All the way from NZ. Unfortunately the recruitment agency I went through told me that Clacton was a buzzing town with heaps to do. SO, I turn up and instantly felt depressed. Quit my job and am moving to a much more buzzing city in September – LONDON. There is no way I would ever go back to Clacton. It is depressing, boring and most of the people are incredibly racist.

  • Jamie

    Go f**k yourself man. Yeah we have problems here just like any place but that doesn’t give you any right to talk out town down. Once a nice, quite town used for the overspill of London. That’s the problem, not the people, or chavs as you call us!

    • Paul Johnson

      No need for foul language

  • Rachel Wolton

    I am absolutely disgusted by thia report. Yes our town may be a little chav like but seriously come on, there are some really lovely people in this town. You probably would not of seen them because the decent, kind, caring, loving,well spoken, great attitude ones are working their bums off. Clacton on sea is by far a better town than your making it out to be. Its people like you that put our town down. Admittedly yes londoners have been pushed to come here for whatever reasons, but there’s not a great deal true locals can do about it. Stop putting our little town down, yes there may be more charity shops than before but thats because some business for whatever reasons are having to close.

  • Christine Campbell

    I am very pleased the poster of this does not live in Clacton. Not sure quite what part of it they visited but I have always found it much cleaner than many other places. The “chav” bit is odd as wherever you go in this country you see exactly the same thing. Clacton is not perfect but show me anywhere that is. I feel sorry for the poster of this they are obviously not ever going to find what they want. As for the seagulls why not feel them we as a country feed all living things … My advice to the poster would be to get a life 🙂

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  • Deborah

    I have lived in clacton on sea for 9 years now, and love it here new beaches this year and very clean. Dont come to clacton if you dont like it, we can do without people like you.

  • k

    Ur right clacton is a crappy place and the people there disgust me. I live in colchester and there were a load of them travelling all the way to go to schools in colchester like St Benedict’s, people from clacton bully people at school and they are a bunch of f*****g inbreds.

  • John Jones

    Shame this person doesn’t mention where they are from? Probably Romford or Dagenham, which are two beautiful areas too lol, so if this place is terrible why keep going back there you complete idiot. Well people like you can go do one, your the scumbag, now go and play in the middle of the road and die you complete cun*

    • kahia

      What a bunch of outsider twats. Clacton is a good place to live. Yes it has chavs. But london is full of terrorists, thousands of chavs and loads of immegrants. In the summer tourists f**k it up like a legend said dowm there, they come here and think they own the place. Dont even get me started about the beach. Last year, i waa trying to have a nice walk with my family and then literaly HUNDREDS of african people covered up the beach and some bloody b.o stinking african kids shoved my younger niece and nephew and i was so f*****g angry. So whoever the first commenter is, i suggest you take a look at where you come from.

  • mr clackers

    you sir/madam are a c**t of the highest order!

  • Joanne

    Love it, love it.
    Depends were you are looking, it does need some work, but it holds lots of happy memories for me. Have always had a caravan in St Osyth and look forward to the next season.

  • chavalot!!! gggrr

    what a total idiot!!! Before you start berating places that you ‘deem’ to visit get your facts right!!! Clacton is NOT London on Sea!!! Get a map & get your butler or manservant to work it out for you!!! I come from London on Sea – South end of London – work that out horatio!! My family have just spent a lovely day in Clacton & found the people & the place lovely – people hold doors open for you – oh sorry expect you just barge through without a care – as you are MUCH better than them – grief you make me sick!!!

    • Joanne

      Well said.