Posted by & filed under South East, Surrey, United Kingdom.

Mitcham is situated on the border of “Saaaaaaarf” London and Surrey. It is situated in close proximity to Streatham, Croydon, Tooting, Wimbledon and Sutton. Mitcham used to be a half-decent little town with reasonable local shops and a very pretty cricket green area. Unfortunately Mitcham has been forever blighted by the dramatic increase in housing association properties which has created an influx of chavs from the surrounding London boroughs.

Mitcham now caters almost exclusively for its chav clientelle. 85% of businesses are fast food joints – kebab shops, fish and chip shops, fried chicken shops, McDonalds etc. We also have several “pound shop” type shops that are so cheap and nasty that the proprietors haven’t even bothered naming them. They are piled high with the sort of crap that only a mindless chav would find appealing (assorted scrunchies, fake “designer” perfumes, unbranded electrical goods etc.). There is a small street market that sells, amongst other such chavvy delights, fake “designer” handbags (Louis Vuitton knock-offs being de-rigour in Mitcham – especially when matched with a Juicy couture velour tracksuit and Council-estate facelift).

The main hang-outs for chavs in Mitcham are McDonalds (of course!), the fair green (you can stop at Costcutter on the way for some cheap foreign lager whose name you cannot pronounce) or The Cricketers or Burn Bullock pubs. Both pubs are conveniently located within spitting distance of the benefit office. Willow Lane industrial estate is a very popular hangout for joyriders and boy-racers alike. If you are a chav with children you are more than likely to be a patron of the Brewer’s Fayre pub on Mitcham Common. This is a “family pub” which means that chavs can stand at the bar and drink until they can stand no more whilst completely neglecting to control or care for their “delightful” children who spend all evening endeavouring to destroy everything in their path” and torturing smaller children in the ball-pit. A pitbull or Staffordshire bull terrier should be tied to the bike stand outside as it will come in handy for threatening any non-chav parent who suggests that maybe the chav parent(s) could stop their kids beating up the non-chav’s kids.

The Mitcham male chav is usually bare chested (and even more usually pigeon chested!) he will be sporting a fake “Burbree” cap or a pure white Nike one with matching white trainers. The cap should be worn at an angle and the peak should be as large as is possible and pointed upwards. When fully clothed, the Mitcham male chav has a strong preference for Hackett, Le Coq Sportif or Nickelson polo-shirts. On no account should the Mitcham chav be working (at least not legally!). He will also have several children by several different women by the age of 20 or he will be an underachiever and spurned by fellow chavs. He should be spotted bullying the local corner shop owner into exchanging his baby’s milk tokens for cans of Special Brew.

The Mitcham female chav is often scarier looking than her male counterpart. You would rather get into an altercation with her pitbull terrier than the female chav herself. The female chav will be dragging around at least 3 children, none of whom will share the same father (or even know what the concept of a “father” is). The female chav will be sporting the aforementioned council-house facelift i.e her hair will be pulled up on top of her head with a scrunchie (3 for a paahnd from the market) thus giving her a slight oriental appearance. Female chavs usually have child no1 somewhere between the ages of 14 and 16. Most are considered old-hands at the act of childbirth by the age of 18. Female chavs like to show their midriff no matter how flabby, stretchmarked or white and pasty this may be. They like to wear gold earrings the size of onion rings and 3 pairs in each ear is the norm. They usually manage to stretch their single parent benefit enough to splash out on American ghetto style airbrushed nail extensions and the ultimate accessories are fake Louis Vuitton handbags and extremely large gold clown or ragdoll pendants. Foundation should be at least 5 shades darker than the natural skin tone and lipstick should be candy-floss pink. The female chav should always have several carrier bags of unknown foodstuffs from Lidl or Netto attached to her pram or buggy.

A female Mitcham chav’s greatest ambition is to own the entire range of gold jewellery from “‘lizabeff jook” at Argos . A male Mitcham chav’s greatest ambition is to own a Vauxhall Nova and customise it with “tasteful” accessories and body kit from Halfords.

The greatest ambition of any non-chavs unfortunate enough not to have escaped Mitcham already is to be able to afford to get out of Mitcham ASAP.

  • djgu

    Hi mo we are quite a friendly people, apart from one of two,but that’s like anywhere in London…

  • Lou Lou Jones

    It used to be a nice little town about sixty years ago. Near London, but with a country village feel, but it has sadly gone downhill along with other towns in the area such as Carshalton and Sutton. People, who have grown up in the area seem to be moving away in droves.

  • Pier

    To be honest, I struggle to see what all the negative comments
    are about? I live in North Mitcham Triangle for over 15yrs and it has been perfectly fine, no problems at all.

    Absolutely great for bringing up young families. Nearby, we have Edenvale Park (a lovely little secluded playing area) which also has a wonderful playgroup for the toddlers, Tamworth Farm playground with the allotments, kids climbing frames, kids paddling pool & free (yes FREE!) tennis courts, Figges Marsh which is a god-send for young people playing football, Cricket, volleyball and the like and for older folk keeping fit on the free outdoor gym and walking / jogging / roller skating around the Marsh circuit. Regular visits from the circus which the kids adored when they were young. We have a nearby farm & horse riding school (Deen City) which is very popular and only a short bicycle ride away, and Morden Hall Park (National Trust) is also only a short bicycle ride away. Figges Marsh itself has recently been awarded the coveted Queen Elizabeth II Fields in Trust designation.

    I have 3 kids that all went to some of the best grammar schools
    in the country (Wilson’s & Wallington) which as a parent are reassuringly convenient to reach from Mitcham (127 bus!). The house prices are still quite reasonable although they are now dramatically going up, inline with the rest of greater London.

    In fact, we are the perfect quintessential ‘London’ village i.e. we have a small village town centre, idyllic pond in centre of town, lots & lots of green space (commons), horses riding, a level crossing and we don’t
    have a McDonalds!

    Mitcham is changing for the better, and all things considered I count it a blessing to be here.

  • liam ******

    You idiot Im from st helier in sutton and that is worse than mitcham and mitcham aint even that bad. Yes there are a few notorious gangs
    and some bad stuff happens but thats londo for you . But as soon as u close ur door no matter were u live it dont matter . You cant say that about people on an estate I bet whoever wrote this is middle class and is probably a snob . How about meet a few ‘chavs’ before you slag the whole area off ! And by the way I haved lived in rougher places my whole life (new addington rosehill circle ) and im only twelve and I have wrote this mso not all ‘chavs’ (working class on a council estate) are sluts and thick !

  • sufferwell

    I grew up in Mitcham lived there for 21 years, I was mixed race half asain half white and I still got racist abuse from skinheads in the 80s by the 90s we had alot more immigrants moving in. I like Mitcham because I knew alot of people there people are always nice and friendly but the area especially the town centre needs alot of work to be done. I do miss Mitcham. I now live in Plumstead se London which is alot worse then Mitcham

  • Simone222

    We moved here 19 years ago and every day I drive back to Mitcham after work truly makes me want to weep. My children have been mugged and their school friends from outside the area refuse to visit lest the same happens to them (which it has) If I could turn bapck time I would NEVER have set foot in this Godforsaken place. Someone mentioned affordable housing, well guess why it’s affordable??
    If you want your children to have a decent upbringing then avoid Mitcham like the plague. BTW we are moving soon, better late than never eh?

  • Keith Lowe

    People please! like any area Mitcham has its good and bad points
    Bad- big drinking in public area problem,and drug use mostly at fair green
    Fly tipping
    Lack of community due to too many different types of people
    More houses being made to house ex battersea hi rise flats tenants

    Good
    Beautiful surroundings Mitcham common ,Mitcham golf course ,figgs marsh
    Great travel links
    Affordable housing
    Some good shops ( but could do with more)
    Gangster vibe has gone. U can go in some pubs now and not fear for you life
    Some great restaurants ,ginos .harvester ,Toby carvery
    Great local gyms

    I just want to add I travel down to Kent every other weekend and I see the same issues their and the same with most areas I visit that are not financially affluent

  • Luke S.

    I have lived in Mitcham all my life and it’s not as bad as people say yeah it has its problems but it is not as bad as some other areas i hate it when people slag off Mitcham i have been living in Mitcham for 22years and the whole time i have been living here there has been some trouble but not that much as much as people slag Mitcham off it still has it’s good points

  • bella

    pete… did you say whiter? you need to watch the kind of terms you use. that is considered as offensive. sad to know that racism is still present in the world. would be nice if people would take some time and learn about other people s cultures. if i would had to judge british people i would say that all they think about is shagging each other and booze every single day! in africa is not like that, just to give you an example. or even if it is people just perform every day activities as such in different ways. people judge and believe that their culture is the best, because you have grown up within it. that is how your brain is programmed. i am an anthropology student and i live in mitcham. i have lived here for the past 10 years and i went to school and also worked in mitcham. since the age of 17 i have had 8 different jobs and i m only 23 now. plenty more to come. i will graduate next summer with a bachelor science degree in anthropology. most people must be scam, but surely i aint! so safe yh! mitcham might be nuffin on posh whiter areas yh, but u got a degree pete? hope u do or u r looking like a prick right now!

  • Daveyboi

    I was born in wimbledon and grew up on phipps bridge from 1969-1982 then lived in morden road. The fact is Mitcham was always a poor area – when I grew up it was full of travellers – probably still is – trailers, dogs, horses and the ‘rockies’ who would terrorise all the kids in the area. Few blacks would dare venture into the area because of the Mitcham skins who hung round the bandstand. Now it’s full of poor whites, blacks, immigrants, Poles, Roma you name it. It’s lost a bit of it’s charm because despite their faults the travellers were a laugh and had a community spirit whereas now there’s such a mix of people that there’s no sense of community or belonging. The posts about the immigrants throwing sh*t into the streets is true but in my day it was the gypsies who left piles of sh*t etc all over the place so..my point is that things do change but they also stay the same still I miss the old Mitcham and all the old characters – soapy sid, black sarah etc ‘dik i chavvy’ – these newcomers have nothing appealing about them whatsoever, glad I moved to Sutton – or Slutton as we like to call it!

  • mo

    m moving to mitcham how are the locals in the area,is it a good environment

  • Lynne D

    I have lived in Mitcham since 1980 – admittedly initially it was more like a village, but with major routeways cutting through it, things were improved when they pedestrianised the centre and there will be more work done soon from the consultation exercise current underway But before everyone runs down the place, the area where I live is a series of 30s terraces, quiet, with friendly neighbours Sure a lot of Poles have moved into the area, but from what I have seen of their houses they take pride in where they live unlike some of the British residents . Sure the shops have migrated for example from there being a Sainsbury’s to it now being a pound shop, but point to any high street which hasnt suffered. The opening of Eastfields has been a real shot in the arm – Mitcham Junction and the tram track are hardly ‘central’ and should improve house prices
    When I moved here I moved from renting in Wimbledon , and I kept going down the ‘hill’ until I could afford a house and a garden …. the house cost me £29k then !!! more like £290k now !
    So the invective on this site about Mitcham needs to be put into perspective, every town has its good parts and bad parts but dont lump the whole town into the bad part. It still provides reasonally priced family homes which now thanks to Eastfields are only 23 minutes away from Victoria

  • Caroline

    Well I am so glad I moved out of Mitcham nearly 6 yrs ago now! After spending 35 years there that was enough. Back in the 90’s I met a friend of a friend who said I sounded to posh to have come from Mitcham, my reponse “we are not all Chavs” and I was brought up properly. Now I happyily live in Cornwall!!!

  • DearPete

    Pete did you really say whiter as in whiter neighbourhood…in this day and age really??, good god, was actually looking to see what Mitcham was like as I’d like to move out of Islington with my posh flat and get a bigger place with some greenery… but I’m guess what you call someone with coloured skin….profession white collar worker but still coloured….Grow up Pete, colour does not make an area go down hill, crime does which is usually accompanied by poverty ….. *BIG eye roll*

  • http://chavtowns pete s

    totaly agree with you also lived in mitcham for 30 years before taking family somewhere safer and whiter still go back to see old mates and cant believe what mitcham has become so sad to see but so glad to leave