Farnham – Surrey’s snootiest town

Is your son called “Alfie”? Is your daughter called “Molly”? Do you like to say their names very loudly in Waterstones at least 6 times in one sentence, e.g. “Alfie darling, you like this book don’t you Alfie, shall we buy it Alfie? You’d like that wouldn’t you Alfie? Molly come here darling, look at this book Molly”? Well perhaps you should consider moving to Farnham, where showing the world just how middle class you are is an absolute must!

Do you view the weekly shop at Waitrose as an excuse to leave your ‘inside voice’ at home and belt out the most bourgeois one-liners, such as “is this goat’s cheese organic?” “our neighbours actually rent, so sad!” Excellent, you’ll fit right in, we love your kind here.

You can come to Farnham and enjoy living in a town where the high land value and absence of fast food establishments keeps the riffraff in Aldershot. Thinking about having a third child called Imogen? Or how about Fergus? Don’t worry, we have you covered. Farnham is strictly devoid of establishments that attract clientèle that we consider ******. Only boutique stores like JoJo Maman Bébé will get past our stringent residents association. Chicco, no. Bugaboo, yes. Mothercare daren’t apply for planning permission, or else they will face the wrath of our limp-wristed NIMBY’s ballpoints!

In Farnham, no school run is complete without showing off how much money you have. Do you have a Vauxhall Corsa? Perhaps you should think about living elsewhere, as this casts doubt on your financial position in the eyes of the Farnhamite, and we can’t have people like you making the place look like a London ghetto with cheap runabouts. Urgently running the sprogs to school in the X5 or the Macan is expected behaviour in these parts, and always via Caracoli to pick up Babyccinos – essential for a child’s cognitive development.

Do yellow zigzags mean “no parking” where you are from? Unlike other towns, we are very concerned about our children’s safety, so in Farnham we called them yellow “park here so your children do not get abducted” zigzags. Out-of-towners do find our interpretation of the rules ghastly, but they have cheap and unsafe cars, so what do they know?

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