Cobham: A hole once you see past the nice facade

Living in Cobham, Surrey

Cobham is a town full of posh mummies who walk around carrying skinny lattes and tottering around in ridiculously high heels with handbag dogs. In the main high street you have waitrose. If you aren’t going into waitrose to buy premium stuff you are looked down as a piece of sh*t by some of the towns more snobby ******** (I think you mean “denizens” – Ed) for not buying Waitrose’s finest. Cobham is also filled with upper class shops such as Jeremy hobbs, whistles, The tea terrace, coppa and the ivy at the end of town.

However round the back is where the real fun begins here you have the rougher parts of Cobham. In some of the streets surrounding St andrews school, particularly tartar road, is full of mums with 10 kids because they were too dumb to know what contraception was. You only go to this area if you really have to.

Round here are the greasy takeaways and the Sainsburys at the corner of town is often filled with either ***** or ch@vs in fake gucci, trying to look hard. This is where the fat mums go to do their shopping, so you have to mind out of the way of sharon coming to buy her 10 packs of lager for kev and 50 cigarettes paid for by child benefits.

How grim is your Postcode?

Ch@vs and roadmen also frequent the leg of mutton field to have a spliff, so keep your head down to avoid unwanted attention and “Oi bruv what the **** are you looking at i’m gonna smash your ******* nose in”.

The only thing good about Cobham is the green spaces and good transport links but even these are filled with rude uncourteous drivers. They will drive up your behind and honk at you if you don’t go after 0.1 seconds of the traffic lights turning green. Abuse will be thrown from windows if you try and let someone else out as they will be held up by 5 seconds for work!