You’re driving along the M1 northbound from Leicester sort of way and the journey feels fine except from a couple idiots on the outside lane trying to knock your car out of the way. Seems to be nothing around but fields, ‘Nice’ I thought. Then I see a sight that just looks so unwelcoming, the Ratcliffe-on-Sour Coal Power Station. Ugly cooling towers spoiling the nice landscape. Horrible, don’t you think?
Then I get greeted by the sights of Long Eaton and Sandiacre, ‘this place isn’t too bad’ I said. Along the A52 towards Jubilee Campus and again, quite nice. Lenton was nice, though I didn’t pay much attention to my right where Radford was. As soon as I passed Canning Circus… things got MUCH MUCH worse.
Down Wollaton Road I went in my Ford Fiesta round some other roundabout near parliament street, a gang was sitting down outside of a pub called the Fat Cat on Angel Row, around 13-17 with the younguns smoking a joint and smashing whisky bottles, started egging my car. 60mph I went past a pound shop near broadmarsh with egg yolk jamming my windscreen wipers. I was fuming [babes – Ed]. I parked up behind some green taxis, and as soon as I opened my door there it all was, the smell of tobacco, tooty fruity and petrol. I ran into a nearby corner shop and got myself a Katsu Chicken Ginsters Slice and a still Vimto Remix [TMI and this is the abridged version! – Ed]. The fridge door was [allegedly] wide open, and the food was [allegedly] warm AF. Anyway, I bought the items with no problems and walked out swiftly before I could anticipate about the rest of Twottingham would be like.
I moved into my 2 bed bungalow in Clifton. I thought about how unpleasant my ten minute experience in the City was, so I decided to keep local around the Clifton area and boy was I in for a shock…
On Waterdown Road, near the McDonalds and Tesco, yet another group of thug were roaming the streets. I decided to go slow, now I regret it. They where younger than the one in town, about 10-15. A blond guy, round about 13, with some Karrimor rucksack on threw a penny he had just found on the floor at my passenger side back window. I stopped my car, against all my instincts and stormed out of the car. “You having a Mardy are ya?” he said.
“Pardon?” I said in a confused manner but obviously he thought I was being rude and took offence.
“Yo, blud, come here fam” he said to some other fair-haired kid who was slightly older-looking. “Me sister started the fire at the train station, fam says she peng gyal. So yo don’t wanna mess with me blud!”
I looked to the right where the others where positioned, arms crossed with buds in there hands, almost in some sort of formation, but at the time I didn’t think about that. ******** myself, I got my iPhone 7 plus out of my pocket and emergency called 999.”You are 12th in line.” said the computer operated voice operator thingy, with a pause before and after the ’12th’. WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU NEED TO WAIT FOR THE POLICE!!!???
I hopped in my car [Ford Fiesta, I believe – Ed] and drove off towards Newark and halfway along the journey, I looked in my mirror and saw something moving behind the seat. The blond one was just crouched down behind the rear passenger side seat in MY car. He must of climbed through the window which was smashed by the coin that was threw by him or one of his mates. I threw him out with no difficulty and drove off. I heard a large slap every time the car moved. That tike had slashed my tires in.
I drove off and rented a new house in Southwell and still live there to this very day.
Never went to Nottingham since.
Ilkeston: The perineum of the east midlands
Melton Mowbray: Neanderthals loiter outside McDonalds, with not one GCSE in Car Theft between them
Nottingham? It should be called Shottingham.
Sneinton, Nottingham, do not come here for peace
Nottingham, the least friendly, intolerant city I have ever lived in
Bulwell: a market town… mostly down market
Breaston: stuck in the year 1500, village of *******
Bulwell: If crippling depression could build a town.
Eakring: not the end of the earth but you sure can see it from there