Melton Mowbray is the most bizarre & terrifying place I’ve ever lived

I went to university for a year in Melton (a performing arts course run at melton college under Demontford University) and although the course itself and the lecturers were brilliant, I can honestly say that Melton Mowbray is the most bizarre and terrifying place I have ever lived. I shall tell you for why:

Everything you read here about ***** and lack of education and drug problems and teenage pregnancy are all true. It is alarming and depressing to see.

What is also true is the lack of interest in ever going ANYwHeRE else! So many people you speak to have never been outside of Melton Mowbray, and seem as though they think that is a good thing. They Do not like or trust outsiders.

The most bizarre thing is the **********. The largest institution in this town is the doctors surgery. It has four floors and hundreds of doctors. And necessarily so, because it seems that there is something very wrong with a huge proportion of the population here. Strange disfigurements, 5 or 6 different people in one small village town wandering around with a full head brace drilled into there skull and supporting it from their neck… WTF??!! Everyone limping, eyepatches, bandages, strange growths… the list is endless. I remember going into town near Christmas to see the market because it was snowing and all the meltonians were out in force. It was like day of the dead out there. No exaggeration. We retreated back to the safety of the campus. It is no co-incidence that the town in ‘League of gentlemen’ is called Royston- Vasey… Royston-Vasey/Melton-Mowbray…? Mark Gattis and chums have spent some time here, with its local shops for local people.

And it dosent end there. What are the two things that melton Mowbray produces?

It has the Pedigree Chum factory, and several times a week the most God-awful stench of burning rotting meat would fill the town [although there is no proof this smell comes from this factory, for legal reasons] as they [allegedly] incinerated or processed whatever the hell they put in that stuff..

And then there is the Pork pies…

NEVER NEVER eat a Melton Mowbray pork pie. There is a reason no other pies taste quite like them you know. If you had ever met the populations of Melton Mowbray you would think twice about it, believe you me.

And if you want proof If all this, then look no further than the Melton Mowbray museum, which explains it all…

I mean aside from the brilliant and horrendous ****** two headed calf that they have in a glass box there, a brief perusal through the history of Melton, soon explains how during the plague the towns population was wiped out almost entirely, and not only this, but that from the population statistics through the ages it show that Melton has one of the lowest rates of people either moving to there, or moving away from there. And then, once more during the war, the male population of Melton Mowbray was staggeringly depleted, and again the population regenerated from within the town once again, with very few people coming in from outside.

So you see, Melton Mowbray is truly probably the most ****** town in England. But don’t take my word for it… go see for yourself. But remember, much like Royston-Vasey, you will NEVER leave! (Mainly because there are no trains out of that Godforsaken place after 9pm)

So that is Melton Mowbray. I was only here for a year, then I left to come to London, where I still live. But I still tell the story of the horror of Melton Mowbray… especially when I see someone about to tuck into one of those ‘meat’ pies….

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