Ok, so Eastleigh is by no means the worst places in Britain (I’m thinking it’s possibly Paulsgrove, Portsmouth) but it is well worth a mention if only for the ‘**** per square mile ratio’; Beastleigh is comparatively small to that of neighbouring Southampton, but it stands brimming proudly with all that is ****, clutching to the little glory it has.
I’m certain there would be far more entries supporting this claim, other than ‘kevwag’s’ very accurate depiction of this ‘armpit of a town’, however the Beastleigh folk can’t read or write, and have yet to fathom the art of communicating coherently, poor sods.
It is possibly the only place where their shopping centre dons the slogan: ‘The Place to Meet’. Are we talking about a pub, a park maybe, maybe even a community centre? Nah mush, the ultimate in all that is ****, a shopping precinct!
In all honesty there isn’t much for the Beastleigh folk to do, so meeting “dan Lizzie Duke” sounds like a lot of fun. There’s a skate park and several smaller skanked-up parks but very little else; hence the reason all public telephone booths have been bricked and old ladies get tied to lampposts. However, Beastleigh council recognised the lack of entertainment in their parts and so introduced ‘Help Points’ around the city centre. What? A ‘Help I’m-bored-what-shall-I-do-to-occupy-my-time Point?’ Not exactly, it’s a ‘Help! Some-bored-smackhead-f*cker-has-beaten-the-s**t-out-of-me Point’. I kid you not: http://www.eastleigh.gov.uk/homepage/Help_Point_Sign.pdf
With Help Points such as these, Beastleigh must reign supreme on the anti social behavior front – even London (bar Hyde Park etc) doesn’t have a one-button link to the cop shop in times of trouble. Though oddly, amidst the violence and crime aplenty, a gleaming Chopper bike (albeit a re-issue) stands proudly chained to a pole outside Stones pub, untouched… every day… a truly remarkable sight!
It is what you make of it nice areas on the outskirts and most importantly pubs that show the rl league, Union and cricket what else could a group of sanzaus want beer sports and boguns got love the place!
A conversation between a Beastleigh mum (19?) with her young son (2?) who seemed utterly incapable of talking properly. They were near McDonalds:
Son: “ba, ba, ba, ba, baaa” (Loving it)
Mum: “Not now Tyson. We’ll see if I got any pennies left over from me social an we’ll come dane later”
Romsey pretends to be a nice place
Southampton: how to visit Above Bar Street and still leave with your wallet
Thornhill, Southampton – majority of the female population have more kids than teeth
Southampton – flawed pearl of the South
Gosport – godsport my a*rse
Portsmouth and the tale of the pissy burgers
Portsmouth – **** heaven
The Ontological Degradation of the Fareham Borough
Headley Down, show me a town where teenagers don’t try and bum **** off you