What can you say about Deal? On the face of it, a pleasant Kent seaside resort with a charming “old town” clustered around the lovely Middle Street area. But dig deeper and you will find that these beautiful old houses are connected by a series of 18th century tunnels which helped smugglers to transport their contraband without interference from the law. So yes, even the town’s founders were criminals.
Move forward to the twentieth century and the emergence of pits around the town, and you have the purpose built Mill Hill pit estate, made redundant since the miners strike and spiritual home of the East Kent c**v. Yes, crap cars, clown pendants, three hoodies worn together, Burberry caps (as well as the dark blue Nike ones with a broad light coloured stripe down the middle from front to back), tracksuit bottoms with the obligatory socks tucked into the trainers, all these things and more flourish in Deal.
However it would be unfair to single out Mill Hill as the sole abode of the EKC. Honourable mentions have to go out to Birdwood Avenue in Upper Deal, and its hilariously interlocked network of inbred families who can’t seem to live more than two doors apart from each other (useful for forming speedy lynch mobs), and the North Deal estate with its growing collection of ASBO wannabes. If you want to catch the c**v out of its home environment, then the car park at the Tides leisure centre is always popular, as is the skate park in Victoria Park, and Deal railway station.
Boy racers congregate in the Union Street car park opposite the kebab shop, playing their crap tunes, playing football and shouting at each other until daybreak, then going straight to work without even so much as five minutes kip (to the fury of local residents who are reduced to taking their anger out on the ridiculously overstretched police) However on a Friday and Saturday night the c**v comes into its own.
Older c***s enjoy the “pleasures” of the “Quarterdeck” nightclub and the resultant entertainment caused by 400 tanked up c***s waiting in South Street for a cab, whereas the younger ones who have been turned away from their weekly efforts to get into the Deck seek solace in wandering the streets with their cans of Stella with which they try to impress their c******e girlfriends and encourage them to stay out all night from their foster accommodation. There are some particularly horrible specimens of chavdom in Deal, make no mistake about that!