Congleton – quaint and attractive south east Cheshire market town with a charter dating back to 1272. Population roughly 23,000 predominantly middle class professional types and relatively wealthy retired gentlefolk. Nestling between the Peak District National Park and the gloriously beautiful Cheshire plain, Congleton should be the ideal place to bring up a family or establish an upmarket deli.
However, every silver lining has a cloud and in Congleton’s case, there are two.
Firstly, the recently refurbished park. Straddling the banks of the River Dane the town’s green lung should be a playground for young and old alike. Dog walkers, mums and toddlers, joggers – they all have a (very) common enemy. Kappa’d, Nike’d, blinged, Citroen AX’d, *****. The Chavvies see no value in a beautiful amenity. To them it’s a place to swig vast quantities of White Lightning whilst attempting to impregnate their 15 year-old tarts before (or even during) the torching of the pavilion/aviary/stolen car.
Secondly, there’s the town’s one and (thankfully) only nightclub – Raphael’s Nightclub on the High Street. Every weekend you’ll find the park torchers and pig pleasurers enjoying their hard won Job Seekers Allowance getting sh*tfaced. The money’s usually wasted on **** lager and alcopops but as with everything in their tawdry lives the quality matters little. The booze merely ends up on the pavement outside the town hall by 3am anyway. It’s Congleton’s **** Central. And all the worse for it.
Congleton: what a place, what a disgrace!
Macclesfield: for a lass born and bred in Stockport, this place is odd
Stoke On Trent – A place devoid of intelligence
Kazakhstan to Crewe – no thank you!
Smacklesfield… I mean Macclesfield
Wilmslow – Hollywood of the North
Culcheth is a hole roughly equidistant between Liverpool and Manchester
Warrington: a town that will not be gentrified for a long time
Blacon, Chester, where you can either take drugs, sell drugs or leave