Basildon, a self-contained ‘New Town’ to clear the slums of East London

Living in Basildon, Essex

Built as a self-contained ‘New Town’ to clear the slums of East London, Basildon has become one of the South-East’s great success stories. Boasting one of Europe’s largest shopping centres and having an enviable array of sporting facilities makes Basildon a great place for young families to work and live.

Of course, this is all nonsense put about by the leftist council (even tories are socialists here!). Basildon suffers from 50 years of ********** (in addition to the hundreds of years of keeping it in the family practised by the original East-End overspill who originally populated this urban paradise. Yes, this is where even people from Lewisham are classed as ‘posh talking ********’ and left with permanent imprints of Reebok trainers on their skulls.

Being spread out over several miles of wasteland connected by dual carriageways with bizzarely low speed limits, Basildon really came to maturity with the advent of the Pay As You Go mobile phone. Now the youth of the area could arrange mass meetings in the delightfully unlit alleyways and thoughtfully provided patches of grass-with-a-swing-on-it. The advent of the hoodie was also a major step forward in the cause of Chavdom, and nowhere so much as Basildon. Gone overnight were the days of kids having any kind of individuality that might tempt them along the path of attempting rational thought, for here was a uniform to show their conformity with the benefit of hiding their nasty gelled french crop & acne. Add to this the opening of a new Argos with the biggest 9ct gold counter in the UK and you have **** paradise. Their cause is further aided by a population that is slplit 60/40 between the under 21s and the over 65s, and a Police force who spend all of their time hiding round corners with radar guns, stopping only cars with two passengers at the most.

How grim is your Postcode?

Popular haunts predictably center around off-licences and chip shops, with a few exceptions. Best places to spot ***** en-masse include:

Stacey’s Corner

Conveniently situated on the Barstable estate, Stacey’s Corner offers a wealth of facilities, as well as being about as far as you can get from a Police station (the nearest after dark is Rayleigh, about 7 miles away). As well as the usual chippy & Chinese, there is also an offy where all the bottles of Frosty Jacks on display are allegedly full of water.

The Big Q

Also referred to as Church Road shops. The focal point of the Fryerns estate. Alongside the usual off-licence antics, here is a good place to spot them hurling chips at traffic. "The Big Q" chip shop provides an endless supply of these delicacies, and the lovely ladies behind the counter pride themselves upon service with a snarl. Another bonus is the bus stop, where any bus driver stupid enough to stop is pelted with eggs (fresh, not pickled) and politely asked to hand over their money. Occasionally The Big Q Posse will take their ****** 14 year old ******* for a pleasant strole up to Stayseey’s to avenge a diss from The Stacey’s Lot. This is great to watch as blood flows in large quantities and ambulance crews make a point of getting lost on the way.

Felmores End

Once again situated in the centre of a large council estate, Felmores End is a declining centre of **** excellence. The lack of facilites for ***** is really only compensated for by the bus turnaround point. Here Chavspotters can gasp in amazement as buses u-turn with speed that defies anything you learned in Physics. The prefered missiles here are mainly bricks, but petrol bombs make an occaisional appearance.

Pitsea Broadway

Never the nicest place in the world, the dismal little town of Pitsea has become enveloped into Basildon like a hamster sat on by a fat woman. Highlights for ***** include McDonalds car park -a regular meeting place for ***** with **** cars- and a desolate market square with plenty of things to climb on. Thanks to recent relaxation of licencing laws, the Tesco Extra store is now a magnet for ***** wishing to steal WKD blue 24 hours a day. ***** gain incredible amounts of satisfaction from knowing that there is a police station 50 yards away that closes at 4.30 (12.00 on Saturdays).


Another small town that became part of the self-perpetuating council estate that is Basildon, Laindon also has it’s own shopping centre, featuring a charity shop, a chip shop, a charity shop, a *** shop, a charity shop, a charity shop, the dirtiest supermarket you’ve ever seen, a charity shop, some empty shops, a charity shop, and inevitably, a Gregg’s. People round here are such ****** that even the market traders couldn’t make ends meet. There used to be a couple of banks there, but they failled to see the point of opening their doors for three customers a day. The nasty concrete shopping centre has recently been sold to a private company, who have installed a night watchman to entertain the *****, and some CCTV cameras to film the action. Police are currently on the lookout for around 8 youths, aged about 13-28, probably average build, all wearing hooded tops and white trainers. Away from the centre, in the posh part of Laindon, is the Presidents Estate. One of the few privately built estates, all the streets are named after American presidents (Hoover Drive, Truman Close etc). Here a better class of **** hang out in front of the doors of The Co-op pestering people to buy them 10 B&H.

All-in-all, Basildon is a great place to spend an evening spotting ***** in their natural habitat, or just somewhere to pick up cheap ********.