Mitcham is situated on the border of “Saaaaaaarf” London and Surrey. It is situated in close proximity to Streatham, Croydon, Tooting, Wimbledon and Sutton. Mitcham used to be a half-decent little town with reasonable local shops and a very pretty cricket green area. Unfortunately Mitcham has been forever blighted by the dramatic increase in housing association properties which has created an influx of ***** from the surrounding London boroughs.
Mitcham now caters almost exclusively for its **** clientelle. 85% of businesses are fast food joints – kebab shops, fish and chip shops, fried chicken shops, McDonalds etc. We also have several “pound shop” type shops that are so cheap and nasty that the proprietors haven’t even bothered naming them. They are piled high with the sort of **** that only a mindless **** would find appealing (assorted scrunchies, fake “designer” perfumes, unbranded electrical goods etc.). There is a small street market that sells, amongst other such ****** delights, fake “designer” handbags (Louis Vuitton knock-offs being de-rigour in Mitcham – especially when matched with a Juicy couture velour tracksuit and Council-estate facelift).
The main hang-outs for ***** in Mitcham are McDonalds (of course!), the fair green (you can stop at Costcutter on the way for some cheap foreign lager whose name you cannot pronounce) or The Cricketers or Burn Bullock pubs. Both pubs are conveniently located within spitting distance of the benefit office. Willow Lane industrial estate is a very popular hangout for joyriders and boy-racers alike. If you are a **** with children you are more than likely to be a patron of the Brewer’s Fayre pub on Mitcham Common. This is a “family pub” which means that ***** can stand at the bar and drink until they can stand no more whilst completely neglecting to control or care for their “delightful” children who spend all evening endeavouring to destroy everything in their path” and torturing smaller children in the ball-pit. A pitbull or Staffordshire bull terrier should be tied to the bike stand outside as it will come in handy for threatening any non-**** parent who suggests that maybe the **** parent(s) could stop their kids beating up the non-****’s kids.
The Mitcham male **** is usually bare chested (and even more usually pigeon chested!) he will be sporting a fake “Burbree” cap or a pure white Nike one with matching white trainers. The cap should be worn at an angle and the peak should be as large as is possible and pointed upwards. When fully clothed, the Mitcham male **** has a strong preference for Hackett, Le Coq Sportif or Nickelson polo-shirts. On no account should the Mitcham **** be working (at least not legally!). He will also have several children by several different women by the age of 20 or he will be an underachiever and spurned by fellow *****. He should be spotted bullying the local corner shop owner into exchanging his baby’s milk tokens for cans of Special Brew.
The Mitcham female **** is often scarier looking than her male counterpart. You would rather get into an altercation with her pitbull terrier than the female **** herself. The female **** will be dragging around at least 3 children, none of whom will share the same father (or even know what the concept of a “father” is). The female **** will be sporting the aforementioned council-house facelift i.e her hair will be pulled up on top of her head with a scrunchie (3 for a paahnd from the market) thus giving her a slight oriental appearance. Female ***** usually have child no1 somewhere between the ages of 14 and 16. Most are considered old-hands at the act of childbirth by the age of 18. Female ***** like to show their midriff no matter how flabby, stretchmarked or white and pasty this may be. They like to wear gold earrings the size of onion rings and 3 pairs in each ear is the norm. They usually manage to stretch their single parent benefit enough to splash out on American ghetto style airbrushed nail extensions and the ultimate accessories are fake Louis Vuitton handbags and extremely large gold clown or ragdoll pendants. Foundation should be at least 5 shades darker than the natural skin tone and lipstick should be candy-floss pink. The female **** should always have several carrier bags of unknown foodstuffs from Lidl or Netto attached to her pram or buggy.
A female Mitcham ****’s greatest ambition is to own the entire range of gold jewellery from “‘lizabeff jook” at Argos . A male Mitcham ****’s greatest ambition is to own a Vauxhall Nova and customise it with “tasteful” accessories and body kit from Halfords.
The greatest ambition of any non-***** unfortunate enough not to have escaped Mitcham already is to be able to afford to get out of Mitcham ASAP.
Epsom: the not-so-salubrious suburb
Woking: good train links to London apart from that it’s a sh*thole
West Byfleet, a town dominated by rich middle class snobs
Staines, the town that died of shame
Farnham – Surrey’s snootiest town
Redhill is an incestuous breeding ground for God’s mistakes
Redhill-I hate it
Wallington, Surrey – full of ***** and betting shops
Hinchley Wood (Clarkson was right)