Keighley: a portrait of a town at its very worst

Living in Keighley, West Yorkshire

So when you walk into Keighley, the first thing you’ll see is gum and spit everywhere. Your first step will already have gum on your shoes and in your hair (somehow). Don’t go to any of the shops, inside you’ll find that they are filled with teenage drug dealers. Also don’t go onto Cavendish street (near Sainsbury’s) as you’ll find Homeless John there sat in his blanket begging for money (he isn’t even HOMELESS! [allegedly]). He’ll be sniffing around after an overdose of Coke. You don’t want to walk into town or into parks at night time. There are drug dealers dealing, they will shout racist remarks at you, making you want to leave. The majority of Keighley is full of 13 yr old mothers and there 15 yr old baby daddies. If you want to stroll as far up as Victoria Park, you’ll be greeted by loads of ******* in their tiny caravans. Then when Keighley fair comes round once a month, you can win a grand prize of a dead fish.

Oakbank, what should we say about Oakbank. Well it is the only school in the area where you might [definitely will not, for legal reasons] get stabbed. You will [definitely not] get shoved into a locker, [definitely not] offered weed everyday, [definitely not get] ur head shoved in a toilet or much worse. The staff don’t [definitely do] actually care about you, so prepare to fail [or succeed with flying colours]. Prepare to join the Oakworth Druggies or the Keighley Druggies or the Ingrow Druggies [although for legal reasons, this decision will have nothing to do with attending Oakbank school].

If you want to do your food shopping, don’t go to Iceland or Fulton’s on a Tuesday or Wednesday. The stay at home mums have just received their weekly benefits and fancy a splurge. The only not ****** part of Keighley is Sainsbury’s where no-one can afford it the same for M&S, However that’s shutting down as keighley is becoming sh*ttier.

How grim is your Postcode?

Every 15 yr old that goes to [deleted for legal reasons] is either high or knocked up by their 20 yr old sugar daddies, whose really just a benefits **** off Bracken.

McDonald’s is full of all the white ***** and KFC is full of all the asian ***** as it’s the only halal place. There are also asians racing in audis around the kfc car park. Lets not even get started on all the fried chicken place around Keighley. Zazas will only last 2 weeks [allegedly], like all the other shops on that street. Cakebox [allegedly] closes down every 2 days.

There are about double the amount of vape shops. Prepare to see your average 12 yr old head to toe in adidas tracksuit and their addidas man bag, vape in hand.

In Lund Park you wil see all the ASIAN drug dealers high out of their heads. If you travel a minute up the road to Oakworth park, you’ll see all the white drug dealers selling “sweets” to young kids.

Now lets talk about Braithwaite, where do we start, there are sofas on every street corner and the 1970 version nikes ******* from telephone wires.

The Keighley graveyards are extremely AWFUL! Cocaine packets and needles all over the floor so be careful where you tred.

The Keighley Leisure centre is where you’ll find all the obnoxious brats. Be careful when you are swimming, not to swallow any of the water as it [allegedly] tastes like a mix of pee, chlorine and weed [in the writer’s view, which is just that].

All the “Hard” Lads in Keighley walk around with music blasting from their fake iphones, because none have ever heard of headphones. All the lasses have the middle name Louise and their first name begins with K or C. For example u have the Kelsey’s Kourtney’s Kloe’s Comfort’s and finally Keighley. WHO NAMES THEIR CHILD KEIGHLEY?!

Have you heard, instead of the 9 to 15 New Look range, well Keighley has 5-35 including Massive fake golden hoops, pineapple bun hairstyles and head to toe ellesse. They also have acrylic nails the size of dinosaur claws.

We think Keighley needs a Starbucks for another place for ****** white girls to takeover and post pictures on Snapchat and Insta.

KEIGHLEY NEWS is the local rag and the one stop shop for all the drama and the local death count. A weekly newspaper [allegedly] completely filled with utter ***** that no one gives a f*ck about.

Finally the Keighley Mums school run. Rocking up to your child’s school. Once again featuring the pineapple crown hairdo. Turning up to your child’s (who’s probably already had a kid) school in your finest Peppa Pig and Co pyjamas.

In conclusion do not go to Keighley. I REPEAT DO NOT GO TO KEIGHLEY!!