Colne: Welcome back to the medieval era!

Living in Colne, Lancashire
Living in Colne, Lancashire

Colne: Welcome back to the medieval era!

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First, we have to run through a checklist to see if you are eligible to fit in in bonny ‘olde Colne. Let’s begin shall we? Let me find my checklist and my pen… Ah, here we go!

  • Do you believe every weekend should consist of getting drunk because there’s nothing else to do?
  • Do you like to escape your reality by taking drugs?
  • Do you believe the only prospects for you in your work life are working ‘int mills? (Factories and local culturally acceptable jobs like at neighboring Rolls Royce, Westerns, Silentnight etc.) Go on, lad! You know you want to work ‘int factory!
  • Did you skip school to smoke behind the bike shed and consequently now frequent the local dole office and still act in many ways like a juvenile delinquent?
  • Are your cultural views based on age old superstition and fricative narrow mindedness? Do you have an opinion about a particular type of person, thing or entity but have no intellectual response to explain your opinion?
  • Do you enjoy buying cheap cars and putting the most ridiculous exhausts on them so they sound like an amplifier next to a toilet seat after a vindaloo?
  • Is your favourite music an album from the early millennium, namely, Clubland?
  • Do you believe in old wives tales and spurious gossip about fellow neighbours and community members?
  • Do you have a distinct taste for disunity? Do you scoff at the thought of diversity and social integration? Do you judge others based upon their surface appearance and make foolish mystical assumptions about their entire life trajectory based upon a few angry destructive thoughts in that skull of yours?
  • Do you hate Islam and Muslims? Moreover, do you feel superior to any other religion other than Christianity (despite never going to church nor actually studying the teachings of a modern take on Christianity)? Would you engage in race wars and don your bulls*it ideologies and follow up with jacking up a British flag and writing ‘BNP rulez’ on your nearest shop corner?
  • Do you feel like life is all about amassing material wealth and establishing the grounds of disconnection from everyone else because you might be someone who owns a home and therefore far more superior than the peasant race which rent the flat next door?
  • Did your youth involve getting ‘legs’ and ‘chases’ from the local ‘dibble/5-0/one time’ (police)? And then later on breaking into a shed owned by a sweet old man and making a den for taking drugs and arranging further ASBO related behaviour?
  • Do you like fighting on a weekend? Do you like to simply be an angry motherf*cker? Do you feel like this anger issue of yours is somehow everyone else’s fault? Especially those who are far more socially integrated and accepting than you?
  • Do you like the idea of pacing your local street wearing only your pajamas? Can you bare the sounding off of fellow neighbours fighting over whose back yard has catered to the most drinking sessions?
  • Did your parents grow up ‘ont farm? If not, we don’t want to bl**dy know ‘ya pal!
  • Are your grandparents the sort to say something like this; Back ‘int day cocker. You want be doing nowt ‘wi larkin’ wi’ that son. Or other similar narrations of severely outdated preliterate English?
  • Most important question of all before we wrap this quick questionnaire up; do you like to live in places hundreds of years in the past (at least, culturally and socially)? Can you deny the steady progression of civilised society and of an ever growing acceptance for difference and live a life bestowed by traditional Northern UK racist, bigoted, xenophobic, repressive and disunity embodying values?

If you answered YES to most of these questions please do NOT hesitate to drop by Colne!

Colne is the type of place which cannot let go of the past. Here you will find most people have the mentality of a poor naive peasant from around the medieval age. Quick, don’t look at that man for too long! He might assume the worst of you and blindly reject you and your place in the community! The motto is; Long we Endure. You got that f*cking right! That’s what happens when you don’t move with the times and integrate into a modern evolving society! Its streets further bolster this notion of remaining so far in the past and symbolise its undying desire to remain in a period where health and safety was a mere dream still yet to be experienced by the wise person responsible for its conception. Enjoy face planting when walking down any street with the famous ice skating rink style slabbed surfaces when a slight drop of rain graces their dulled prehistoric faces – good luck! Also, enjoy the witterings of local townsmen hell bent on attacking their neighbour for driving a certain car or better still, for having views which widely accommodate a diverse culture. Oh, heavens! You may find yourself run out of town by pitchfork wielding residents!

Prepare to embrace the smell of cannabis upon frequenting the many worn down dreary streets, and prepare to get a telling off whenever you tell a local gutter rat to stop trying to rob the local shop for a 20 deck of Mayfair. You might even start a fight with the local ASBO failing miserably at school and in his personal life whose only asset is his ability to roll joints, get a gram of ‘banging’ weed and his mouthwatering MC’ing skills. Little does he know he will forever be a warehouse assistant at the local slaughterhouse scrapping with the foreign workers over whose bars are sicker.

Enjoy the lively nightlife Colne has to offer by ensuring you mentally come prepared for a fight later on the night. At the many grotty pubs, you will find revellers who have spent their entire life (and wages) wasting their lives intoxicated, spouting nonsense about absolutely pointless things only a being with no purpose in life could enjoy. Upon discussing with them any lively worldly debate prepare to face the pitchforks and exile procedure! You will also find a growing breed of revolutionaries in this watering holes attempting to make a stand against the backward culture and defining themselves with cultural values instilled by lovely Facebook and mainstream social platforms; if you’re lucky you might find someone who looks like the people you see on the internet! Hey, these people are slowly getting it! You can choose to be whoever you want! And you don’t need to follow the same centuries old teachings of a bygone poverty stricken depraved and uneducated population! They might still look generic but they are at least learning to try something new!

Jobs, jobs, jobs. Where do we begin here? Well, seeing as most have no prospects in life, you’ll find most have pathetically boring jobs which they despise yet boast about their riches to their fellow friends as if material possessions made them any happier. It shows such wealth brings so happiness at all as Colne has been one of the highest scoring towns in the UK for anxiety and mental health related issues (see the .gov website for more info).

The sole most important asset for a Colne resident (and nearby area) is the extremely high demand and drive to own a car. Driving has long since been considered a superior social activity in lovely Colne and for most people, if you don’t drive, you’re a tw*t! Having said that, good luck on the buses. Here you will find a majority of the social dropouts from the nearby areas; people who are simply like ticking robots staring at one another in a stupor judging all that get onboard. In these situations you will need your ‘I FIT IN. PLEASE ACCEPT ME’ bus pass, of which doesn’t exist – good luck then, you’re on your own pal! The buses are full to the brim of hysterical manic and mentally unwell individuals who fidget throughout their much loved past time of riding the buses, coughing and barking is a favourite past time to see whose the one with the most noise in their tiny minds! If you’re unfamiliar with this primordial past time please refer to a video on YouTube called ‘The Gentleman’s Club’ by Family Guy. Barking like dogs to startle and psychologically dominate their opponents in a neurotic primordial fashion. *Drums on chest* I AM KING OF THE JUNGLE!!! Many locals are in desperate need of counselling and/or intensive therapy and it’s no wonder the majority of the population are on medication whilst also self medicating themselves with weed and beer when life is as s*it as it is for these people.

One highlight of Colne has to be mentioned; its access to the beautiful countryside flanking it on all sides. Some of the most idyllic landscapes one can capture with his brand new smartphone (because material wealth is very important, right?). Nearby you have a short distance before you reach Pendle Hill; the historic hill where the witches apparently came from. Yup, that’s how backwards those folk are around that neck of the woods – it wasn’t long ago Colne townsfolk were chasing imaginary mythical creatures and burning them at the stake! It seems like this delusional, twisted and entirely primitive mentality is still seeping into the newer generations. Only now, the newer generations bare their ancestors traits all the while spending most of their life on social media professing about how impressive their life is. Only to realise a majority of these beliefs are entirely fictional and based upon a very fragile egotistical cultural sense of false superiority and underlying all this, is a poor peasant farmer who has been bred culturally through the generations, and has yet to be felled and petered out with a new breed of Colne folk who are more in tune with how the world really works in this our 2019th year.

There’s a time for reliving the past and it usually comes around once every year or so when you pull out the old photos and see yourself draped in funny 90s clothes, donning your David Beckham curtains and remembering how joyous the world was in a time before we evolved into 4k resolution ‘PLEASE LIKE MY FB PHOTOS!!!’ ‘I HAVE MORE FRIENDS THAN YOU!!’ ‘Do you want to connect your c*ck to the internet?’ Earth draining parasites. Ah, yes, those memories of yesterday are but that… yesterday. Ideally try and move on and keep up with the evolving times?

If you want to stop the clock and go back to a time when donk music and Clubland was in, glassing your neighbour over lending a quid he hasn’t given back, or who can create the best ‘deffie’ (homemade bong for smoking weed) kit and chillum whilst acting like depraved hoodlums with the towels out on the front street in the Summer then Colne is your place!







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