I feel it is my duty to inform you all about this town that I can only describe as the festering cat turd in the Garden of England. Sheerness is an industrial eyesore and the majestic ‘crapital’ of the Isle of Sheppey, on the North Kent coast. If you have never heard of Sheerness, that’s because it’s the kind of isolated hellhole, you have to go far, far out of your way to wash up in. It is not somewhere you just leisurely pass through on your way to more salubrious parts of North Kent like Chatham or Gravesend. It was my misfortune to be a frequent visitor to this insular chav paradise and for 6 miserable months, a full time Sheerness resident.
So lets take a tour of Sheerness-on-sea.
The first thing you used to notice as you approached Sheerness by car on the A249 was the smell. I can only describe it as mixture of burning car electrics and sulphur. This came from the Steel Mill and of course, was in no way toxic, in fact, it’s just like breathing in fresh alpine air.
You will soon come to point 1 on the map.
Here you can park and savour the sight of the Steel Mill in all its non-third world glory. It really is breathtakingly beautiful just like Port Talbot. As you travel onwards, you will drive past Blue Town before you know it. Due to the prevailing wind, Blue Town used to get a good dose of the lovely meadow fresh alpine air from the Steel Mill. Consequently, no one wanted to live there apart from Junkies and various others who’d allegedly trade cancer or a serious respiratory illness for a low rent. The second thing the more eagle eyed will spot is the amount of roadside CCTV and ANPR cameras on the A249 both on and off the island. I presume this is to spot escapees from the 2 prisons or Rushenden.
In no time at all you’ll be in the heart of this bustling metropolis. Well, the bottom of the High Street, Tescos and that shining beacon of non-chavdom McDonalds, as you reach point 2 on the map.
Here is one of the finest chav spotting areas in the country. Yes, the whole country. To the right of McDonalds is the Sand Pit. In the summer months, the local chav community like to avail themselves of something from McDonalds £1 menu and chav it up in and around the Sand Pit like flies around shite. Don’t ask me what the mythical attraction is of this kids play area (apart from somewhere to walk your pitbull cross) and for the love of god, don’t go spotting at night when Tantra nightclub is in full swing. You will need counseling for years to get over the Post Traumatic Stress.
If you have the stomach to proceed into the heart of
the beast Sheerness, you can now head for point 3 on the map.
This is a designated parking area for visitors, as I’m sure you’ll want to explore to truly unremarkable High Street. If you roll up on a Tuesday, you can just forget it and find another car park, as for on Tuesdays this area becomes the chav holy shrine, where all come to worship just after they’ve dropped their clutch of illegitimate children off at school and cracked open their first can of reassuringly costly French Lager. Yes, behold Sheerness market. So good, a free bus service picks up vermin from outlying holding pens such as Rushenden and Queenborough to pray at the Alter of out-of-date crisps, broken biscuits and snide designer wear. Hallelujah!
Point 3 is what some people consider the Sheerness Golden Triangle, the Market, the Police Station and the Job Centre, an area where Sheerness chavs spend 90% of their time, when out of the house. It has to be said that Sheerness is one of the most densely chav populated places in the Home Counties. A town only rivaled in the infestation league by the mighty Chav Mecca that is Chatham. However, Sheerness seems to counteract this chav density by having the highest population of freaks I have seen anywhere. Now what do I mean by freaks? We are talking the retarded, fugly, walking posters for why cousins should not breed. Forget the backwards island keep-it-in-the-family urban myth, this is because an alpha Chav can impregnate so many 14 year old schoolgirls, that half of the next generation don’t know they are genetically related.
If you are thinking of moving to this god-forsaken town for whatever reasons, commuting, low house prices, insanity, etc, please, please, don’t do it, even the pits of Thanet are more attractive, believe me. However if you want to regress to a more simian like primitive creature, be my guest!
Greeting to Rule and Rule, Mann & Co, Ward & Partners, Sheppey Estates, Broadway Estates and any other agents on the Island of Dreams!