Huddersfield: Entropy in action

Living in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire

Welcome to Huddersfield, the traffic light centre of England, where there are more taxis per capita than any other town in the UK, all driven by people that drive to different set of rules on its crater-strewn roads. (I heard Kirklees was short-listed by NASA to test the Mars Rover).

Back in time, prior to the 1970’s, Huddersfield was an okay town. It was a vibrant, prosperous place that could rival Leeds with its Monday market, department stores, cinemas, theatres, dance halls, swimming pools, art shops, good quality clothing shops, etc, the list is endless. Once the newly formed Kirklees Council took to the helm on All Fools Day, 1974, things have continued to go downhill ever since. The old Gothic-style market hall was demolished around 1970 and the site was replaced with the standard boxy-designed concrete and glass structures that is the hall-mark of all crappy town centres. I have spent sixty-five years living in this town and have watched in sadness it’s gradual and inexorable decline from a thriving market town to a depressing dump. The recent news that Marks & Spencer intend to up-sticks after 85 years came as no surprise.

Turn left from the top of Kirkgate along New Street and the more depressing it becomes. Try walking in a straight line, dodging the ‘Big Issue’ vendors, the chuggers and the sad homeless souls in the empty shop doorways. To put a fair perspective on things, daytime isn’t too bad, but night-time can be a bit of a challenge and is not for the faint hearted. If you’re a bit bored and fancy a visit to A&E, hang around the town centre just minding your own business for a while. Or, if you really want to test your mettle, cut through Greenhead Park in the dark hours and see if you can make it to the other side unscathed. Good luck with that.

How grim is your Postcode?

Basically, Huddersfield caters for its University clientele and the drug-addled ***** who live on the periphery. They don’t have much money and this is reflected in its outlets. It’s fine if you just want to eat and become inebriated. My advice to those considering migrating to Huddersfield and intend to set-up home in the Sheepridge/Deighton areas, is to first consider the minimum qualifying requirements:

  • Must have a minimum of three kids, of which at least one must be 50% genetically unrelated to the other two. (Preferably diagnosed with ADHD)
  • Must have a BMI greater than 30.
  • Have teeth like a burnt-out fusebox
  • Have a 52 inch tv paid for by the state.
  • Have a shopping trolley and a mattress in your **** tip of a garden.
  • Have a dog (preferably Staffy or Pit-bull).
  • Finally and most importantly; must qualify for Universal Credit.

I’m off now to do my shopping in Leeds.