Tewkesbury, sounds posher than it is.

Living in Tewkesbury, Gloucestershire
Living in Tewkesbury, Gloucestershire

Just off Junction 9 of the M5 is the beautiful town of Tewkesbury. Well least it would be beautiful if The Tewkesbury folk didn’t live there!

I have been down here for 6 years now and after moving from a ****** town in Leicestershire i believed my standards had gone up. Looking round on my first day they had but then i got into a conversation with someone and my standards had actually gone down.

Around 90% of the population of this town sounds like a member of the Wurzels, 95% of them are related and the other 5% are like me and moved here by mistake.

How grim is your Postcode?

Like i’ve siad Tewkesbury town centre is actually a nice place and if you venture north of the town towards Mitton then the standards get higher. However, if you head in the other direction then you reach Priors Park. A modern day council estate where low life benefit fraudsters and drug dealers live. It’s certainly not a place to go at night unless you were brought up there or you wanted drugs.

Tewkesbury Borough Council decided that because there were more and more priors park folk being bred then they would create another estate called the Wheatpieces or Priors Park mark2. It is a relatively new estate and had to house the younger **** that priors park was creating. The Wheatpieces has a nice little community centre/maternity ward, a spar shop full of cigarettes and white lightning cider however one thing this estate and priors park does lack is a job centre. The council decided not to relocate the job centre which means these low lives actually have to venture into town every week to collect their giros and to sign on. Because of this the town has had to create businesses like Mojos, a replacement of Montells. Apparently you still need wellies to get there and the smell of urine has been pin pointed to there however the smell could also be located in One Stop or Pronto’s pizza place next door.

Considering there is a great history of this town and the buildings dating back to the 1600’s there are an unusual amount of take aways in Tewkesbury to accomodate the folk of Priors Park, the Wheatpieces and other ****** towns folk. I can only presume that Tewkesbury Abbey is the only church in town which accepts marriages between families. The other week i was walking my dog past the abbey and i noticed a wedding party outside. I ask one of them why there wasn’t many guests (presuming they’d be inside), the answer i got however was disturbing……. ” all the guests are here however it’s difficult to invite people when the bride and groom are brother and half sister.

There are however good things to come out of Tewkesbury, namely the M5 northbound and southbound, the A4119 towards Cheltenham (but don’t get me started on that pit of a town!!!) and the River Severn.

The last thing wrong with Tewkesbury is the ska band [spunge]. They are a local band who have been together since the mid 90’s. THey have had 1, possibly 2, top 40 hits and were signed to a record label. The band and their loyal following seem to think they’re invincible and as big as the Beatles. The 4 band members are hitting mid-late 30’s and still won’t give up feeding the town with poor quality music. Their tours remind me of a tour Chesney Hawkes would do if he hadn’t have given up after his one hit wonder. The funny thing about this band is they are not even as popular as [sponge]bob squarepants.

If you’re going to visit Tewkesbury then please don’t speak to anyone as it will taint you’re visit to this splendid town!

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