I felt that a heart-warming account of the place I grew up in was necessary 🙂

Tamworth can best be described as the ‘Stealth-****’ capital of the UK. At a glance it is a picture of middle-England respectability with its beautiful castle, church and statue of Sir Robert Peel – (rather ironically) the father of our police force. It is clean, well maintained and looks great in the summer with all the flowers planted for its ‘Britain in Bloom’ entry.

Do not be fooled! Tamworth has a malign, tumourous core of bile spewing, malicious social deviants the like of which I have yet to see even in some of the ********* (Shipley, Bradford, Leeds…) I have inhabited since I left this god-forsaken hell-hole.

The Tamworthian **** (or ‘Tammie’ – the coloquialism for a ‘local’) is a genetic mutation of pure evil. They seem to live to cause as much rampant discord as possible – grafitti, vandalism, car theft, drugs….. However, their ‘raison d’etre’ seems to be the wanton spilling of innocent people’s blood. These urban savages thrive on the adrenalin rush of a gang attack upon an innocent passer by. The town centre on a Saturday night is almost a no-go area, unless you are armed to the teeth with brass knuckles and pepper spray. Even armed in this manner, be sure to take as many friends as possible with you if you value your dentists work.

The area I grew up in is called Amington. I lived on a ‘private’ estate. Unfortunately it was, and remains, surrounded by the most horrendous council estates of thrown together 1970’s tenements filled with said ****.

The Kerria Centre (quite unbelievably named, as it appears to be the centre of **** all…) was the only place to shop in the area, and was also the most dangerous. It’s fearsome reputation was enhanced by it’s ‘Escape From New York’ appearance, and the fact that prospective ****-attackers could hide in its warren-like structure (appropriate considering their verminlike appearances…). I was jumped more than once coming back from a newsagent visit. This lead me to teach my parents’ dog to **** on command. I will always remember the face of one particularly cocky **** after having his arm savaged… 🙂

I am glad to say I left this shitpit almost 15 years ago and have never considered returning.

Tamworth. Probably the only place in Britain you can see ***** skiing, bowling, drinking, puking, fighting, bleeding, ******* and getting arrested all within a ten minute walk….

Well what can i say….tamwufff!! as chavsters would say, i used to be a **** but had the common sense to be normal! what is the deal with hair glued to the hed and white lightenin in one hand?! the poor prix 😛 all the girls are ***** that have been pregnant atleast once before the age of 15 and the lads are so bigheaded. Sorry boys grow up! i know alot of ***** and they are all ‘safe’ with me….they all have atleast one sovereign and 5 chains round their necks swingin from left to right due to their funny walk they call ‘bowlin’. i think its funny when you see them down the castle grounds walking in what they might call a straight line bowling n you shout wanna spoon with that bowl mate?! the looks they give haha hilarious!!!!

….THE IDEAL PLACE TO SPOT *****!!!!!!!….

KUBE ON MONDAY NIGHTS AROUND 7PM

POLESWORTH MARKET SURROUNDING THE DRUGS MARKET OR PIRATE COPIES DVD’S

‘SMACCY MACCIES’!! (VENTURA PARK MOSTLY!)

SNOWDOME CARPARK ON FRIDAYS REVVIN THEIR ENGINES SHOWIN OFF THEIR ‘BEEFYNESS’

TOWN ON A SATURDAY! THEY MUST APPEAR FROM HOLES IN THE GROUND THERES LOADS OF THEM ‘SMOKIN A WEED MANN’

IN THE FAMILY PLANNIN!! OMG ITS LIKE A MINI MOTHERS MEETING GOING ON THERE.

WELL YOU COULD ALWAYS CHECK OUT JAIL SPOSE ITS CRAMPED WITH BAGHEADS AND THEIFS!

Funniest thing you can ever see happen to a ****!

Being sick and taking the piss because they’re lying on the floor with sick all over there joyful clothes.

On a ‘whitey’ smoked too much weed mate?!?!

**** on **** fight….somebody is going to get hurt with that deep cut from the sovereign or stashed knife they had in their pocket!

How to spot a drug dealer!!!!

well they have about 4 cars..that are ‘done up to the dogz bollox’

‘dressed up to the max man’

really skinny and looks like a skeleton

has to have there little groupies so say 5 mates

has that girl with the madonna done, JD bag on her back, a *** in one hand, hair glued to there head and so tight they have chinky eyes.

Walking a ‘badass dog’ i.e. staffy, boxer, rotty etc.

get arrested after a raid!
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The local **** **** of Tamworth has multiplied considerably in the past 5 years. When I started high school, there was little or no ***** who bowled the streets performing mating rituals/calls between one another. However, coming to the end of my last year of high school, the number of ***** has increased incredibly…they seriously seem to appear out of absolutely no-where.

Most of them are usually in-breds, with the DNA for common sense & intelligence being lost after the first generation of **** families. There mating rituals usually contains them performing a form of dance, this happens in a way where they swing there arms up & down, whilst moving there torso side-to-side. As they are doing this, they use the mating calls such as “Ya got beef?” or “You starting summin’?”.

The ***** of Tamworth are split into many tribes, each coming from a specific habitat. The well-known habitats for the **** species are Stoneydelph, Belgrave, Kerria, and Wilnecote. Each tribe has a different name to it, they include – “The Belgrave Barmy Army (BBA)”, “The Stoneydelph Crew”, “The Kerria”, and “The Wilnecote Crew”; these names show the true boundary of their creativity.

Each tribe itself is composed of dumpy, spotty ***** who are all half the size of you; rarely will you see a tall ****. However, their tribe leader is always the shortest, weighing more than the average baby elephant, with a fringe that is gelled (with glue) to their forehead. These are easily distinguishable from the rest of the tribe, as they tend to wear more ‘bling’ than any other **** they ‘hang out with’.

The attire for the **** is made up from brand-named clothes, with the appearance of the Burberry caps. Their track-suit bottoms are found tucked into their blindingly white socks, combined with their massive padded coats, they are a force to be reckoned with in the **** fashion world…if you want to be a ****, you have to have the full ‘hardcore’ kit, as well as knowing how to wear it properly.

The popular mating grounds of the Tamworth **** are found in many places; McDonalds (dubbed Maccy D’s by local *****) is a popular spot for the ‘Boy Racer’ *****, who turn up in their modified Corsas & Fiestas; boom-boxes (**** word for Sound Systems) blaring out through the thin shell of the car. Here the ****’s compare the size of their boom-boxes with one another, to see who has the biggest.

Another popular spot for **** mating can be found in the town centre around the pubs & clubs (B79, Weatherspoons, Embassy, Yates), this is where the younger males & females of the **** society are known to start their bizarre behaviour. The average young **** male in the town centre is around 14 – 15, where as the average young **** female is between the ages of 12 – 14. You can spot the female ***** a mile away, they’re usually the ones who are showing the most cleavage.

However, the younger ***** are found in and around the suburbs of Tamworth ie. Dosthill, Wilnecote etc. Here, the ***** plague the residents of the areas by causing as much noise as possible. This is where the artwork (if you can really call it art, I just call it a mess) of the **** is found, underneath the train bridge in Dosthill, leading to Hedging Lane; there is a collection titled – “Owner’s dispute”, here the many names of ***** have appeared.

The previous entries were placed down on the bridge wall by people in my year, however, the latest addition has been added, though I can’t make any sense of it what-so-ever. One last popular destination for the **** & their ****-Mobiles is Co-Op at Ninian Way in Dosthill.

Here around 10 o’clock at night, ***** from all parts of Tamworth come here to show off the speed of their cars, and to shout abuse at passers-by (trust me, walking home one night from work, two cars drove past me and lobbed cans at me…I had to duck for cover).

***** also seem to dislike anyone who is not dressed in their ‘fashion’, the main targets for this persecution is the loveable Goths & Greebos. This is the only group of people, I have no problems with. At least these guys & gals have common sense, intelligence, and personally ‘lives’. I’d prefer to be friends with a Goth or Greebo anyday, then to be associated with the ape-like *****.

So what if Goths & Greebos like dressing the way they are, or listen to the music they listen to, they’re more cultured than the *****, they can at least pronounce words properly, instead of using slang words such as ‘bling’, ‘sound’, ‘safe’, ‘buzzin’, and ‘kosh’. I am not a Goth, nor Greebo, but personally (you ***** out there reading this)…what the hell is your problem?
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Tamworth is a god fosaken hell hole, situated in the very centre of the country, and I have to live here.

There are more ***** in Tamworth than (probably) anywhere else. 10% of the population is on the dole, and most of the familys have more than 2 children, meaning the **** population is constantly growing.

As a 15 year old i have first hand experience of the *****. The ***** are the ones that push people around in the corridors while shouting stupid things like “wot you lookin at” or “OI! STINKIN GOTH” at bewildered looking eleven year olds. They like to hang around in the toilets, mostly for smoking. They also hang around outside the school gates, when school has finished, at break and even when school is closed, proving the lack of intelligence.

Their hobbies include ******* around macdonalds with their Modded Ford Fiestas and Golfs, revving their engiens in the hope of attracting small 14 year old ***** and female *****, while looking like the idiots they are to the small percentage of normal people inhabiting the town.

The main scourge of tamworth is the “kerria crew”, a group of boys who like to hang around in underpasses, painting their names on walls and drinking cheap cider. The kerria is one of many areas where the ***** have bonded into a gang, the others including “the glascote boys” and “the bolebridge boys” showing limited capacity for making names. Really they should be pittied, although, pittied less than the poor people like me who have to live in the same town and breathing the same air as them.

The second i leave school, i’m leaving for good, and to quote another article…

“The second i come to power, Tamworth is the first place i’m nuking”

Your typically capped degenerates have a number of hang outs in tamworth. A previous note mentioned the McDonalds (obviously chavved as MaccyDees) where the 950 cc Fiats and corsas with a sewer pipe for an exhaust have staked their claim but another notable mecca for these **** is glascote road – a veritable feast of the various differing species on offer running for the full length from the town centre. I cant vouch for the rest of the country on this one but your tamworth **** has developed a liking of the reintroduction of the 80s ******* forearm tattoo. Watch out for the scunner forearm tattoo combined with very low quality gold bracelets as this could indicate an alpha male. A wispy, bumfluff ‘moustache’ leaves no doubt as to the identity of the alpha male.
Stoneydelph shops is a favourite of the rat boy variety and their behaviour usually revolves around an evening outside the local Londis store smoking cigarettes using an emphatically exaggerated hand movement whilst selecting a lonely 13year old normal boy or OAP to annoy then **** up for their mobile phone. I find this spot is particularly good for those sporting sovereign rings and upturned collar/gold chain look.
Glascote village is a good weekend area to catch a glimpse of the indiginous ***** that as yet, are too young looking to venture to the town centre to drink. These usually appear around sunset growing louder and louder until around midnight when they start their strange mating calls involving threats made to other ***** at a distance of around 2 miles. ‘Do you want it? ‘ in an unbelievably annoying freshly broken teenage voice is common place. The female **** is very prevalent in this area with a typical uniform of gelled back hair with sheepdog style side swipe and also the nationally typical ***** rings on every finger from Argos Lizzy Dukes. Watch out for the give away thumb rings – again, a Liz Duke creation – a particularly distasteful display of scunnery.
Ending each sentence with the word ‘….man’ seems to be the local ******** method of identifying himself to the rest of its colony.
For a full days entertainment the bowling alley and Kube night club area is frequented by a number of ***** 24hrs a day.
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Having spent the majority of my life living in the beautiful city of Sheffield, and a significant proportion living in the distinctly less beautiful city of Nottingham, I accepted a job in Tamworth, Staffordshire. For those of you who don’t know where Tamworth is, try to keep it that way. The people of Tamworth describe themselves at Tammies, with a warped sense of pride, believing it sounds impressive, rather than tarring themselves with the dole-scrounging **** **** tag.

Early during my time in Tamworth, I was told by a work colleague to beware of the Mile Oak Boys (MOB). These were described as the hard kids who were trouble. I couldn’t help but p*ss myself laughing at the first sight of these little *****. They conformed to every stereotype going. Spotty oiks with the customary burberry cap, the tracksuit, the socks rolled up over the tracksuit, the bright white trainers always ******* around bus-stops with no intention of catching a bus.

The first major difference I found between Tamworth and any civilised city was the scarcity of people who had moved in from other towns. They are all Tamworth born and bred, and consider their monthly trip to the Bullring shopping centre in Birmingham exotic. The only other venture outside their hell-hole of a town for the Tamworth **** is for their annual holiday to Benidorm, or some other cultureless dump where they can still get fish and chips and McDonalds.

As with most **** towns, the holy mecca of chavdom is the McDonalds car park. Here the Tamworth **** will take his corsa or fiesta, worth about a grand, together with huge spoiler, alloys and stereo system worth two grand. Why not buy a nice car worth three grand, or am I missing the point of chavdom?! He will sit for hours on end revving his heap of sh*t, to look cool to the 15 year old ***** who will swarm round his car, looking in awe at the huge exhaust on his 1.1 engined ****-mobile. And in case there’s too many ***** for the McDonald’s car park, there’s a **** overflow in the KFC car park just round the corner.

When I come to power, Tamworth will be the first place I nuke.