It has been said that the distant thud of a solitary Royton woman approaching could loosen one’s fillings from over five miles away. Raised on a diet of piping-hot Greggs steak bakes and deep-fried crunchy coated poultry, your typical Royton lass is a sight to be held. Morbidly obese, tattoo-covered, and with teeth like a blown-out fuse box, these beauties leave a person in total wonder as to who on Earth was desperate enough to help them in building a brood of offspring.
Reality TV & Bargain Booze
Royton women are an angry bunch, constantly annoyed and constantly stressed about the sheer hell that is their reality TV and bargain booze-filled lives. The thing is, Royton as a town isn’t all that bad! Sure, there are enough land whales and tattoo-covered ******* filled ‘hard’ men to sink the QE2, but overall the town is OK. The thorn in the @ss of this polished ****, of course, is the ridiculous number of angry fat women with tribes of no-dads filling the town’s takeaways and their feral spawn filling up the local schools! It is as though these women are all continually suffering from the grips of server PMT combined with the 20-yard stare of a seasoned war veteran!
On a weekend they pack into the town’s watering holes, blocking all exits with their guts and taking up two seats at a time with their ample posteriors! They drown the sorrows of their existence and moan about how all men are cheating **** and how their kids are, ‘their lives’! Weekend after weekend they batter their livers with vodka and orange, burn their nostrils out with cocaine cut with vim, and expand their waistlines and hearts with drunken visits to the numerous fried chicken and pizza shops scattered here and there!
About 10 years ago, Oldham Council replaced all of Royton’s pavements with tarmac. It was said this was done to beautify the town, but behind closed doors and only uttered in the shadows, the true reason was due to the spiraling yearly cost of having to replace the multitude of cracked paving stones each year thanks to the ‘go lightlys’ who roam the town like herds of migrating buffalo!