Nairn screams awful, from the miserable scenery to the run down high st

Living in Nairn, Scotland
Living in Nairn, Scotland

From the dreary, miserable scenery to the run down high street, Nairn screams sh*thole. Aesthetically it is depressing at best, however appearances can be deceiving. Delve past this and you will see how bad this town is.

Claim to Fame

Charlie Chaplin or some other bloke called it the “Brighton of the North”. That’s about it really.


Weird, ******, cliquey, Hyacinth Buckets.
If you want the Police phoned because you are playing your radio too loudly at 14:00 on a Friday afternoon, move to Nairn. If you want the Police phoned because you are a day overdue with your tax disc, move to Nairn. If you want the Police phoned to accuse you of criminal damage because you took a walk on the beach with your dog and there happens to be a wall vandalised, move to Nairn. And so on…

How grim is your Postcode?

The people in this horrible, bitter town are all grasses and gossips. Their whole lives seem to revolve around taking enjoyment from making others unhappy. Phoning the Police is deemed as a normal day to day recreational activity and a source of enjoyment. They have various committees set up for the local ******* on a power trip to flex their social muscle. River County Council, East County Council, Pubwatch etc. etc. All these organisations are in place to try and make people who have recently moved to the area feel unwelcome or to make people who were unfortunate enough to have been born here (but don’t fit in with their ******, closed mind, stuck up existence) leave.


  • The High Street: a hole with unfriendly pointless shops peddling tat.
  • The Beach: Actually quite pretty but spoiled by people reporting you to the council and Police for walking your dog without a lead, dropping a *** end or dog fouling (99.9% of the time this will not actually have happened however see people section above).
  • The Golf Course’s: There are 2.
  • The West as it is known, which is for your stuck up person with 15 year old BMW’s and Audi’s with cheapo £250 Private number plates to disguise their vehicles age and increase their social standing.
  • The Dunbar is the second course for the working man. Full of the same but they don’t live in the “West End” so don’t have the quite the same ability to act stuck up. However they secretly aspire to the day they can mortgage themselves to the hilt and buy a crumbling Victorian house there and a 15 year old Audi with said rubbish £250 private plate to graduate to “The West End” elite.


Supermarkets and that is about it. Most people commute to Inverness for work. There are some who work out of Aberdeen. “He works off-shore he is minted!” is a common expression for somebody who works as a steward on £25k that then tells everybody he is an OIM comparable with JR from Dynasty earning £150K. NB: (see 15 year old Audi).

Recreation & Local Amenities

  • Gossiping about people
  • Making up nasty rumours about people
  • Phoning the Police
  • Polishing the 15 year old Audi/BMW/Mercedes (With £250 private plates to disguise the age)
  • Joining Community Councils and trying to become the chairman
  • Being racist to English/Blacks/Indians/Americans/Glaswegians etc. Anybody not born there
  • Running in charity races/marathons, but not actually giving a **** about the charity or cause. Merely so they can tell everyone they are running a marathon on Facebook to show how left wing, liberal, selfless and caring they are. Added bonus is buying the Nairnshire Telegraph to see their name in it for finishing 496th out of 500 in the race. But it’s all for charity of course!
  • Lying about their wealth
  • Supermarkets
  • Shops selling ****
  • Pubs full of local worthies who know everything and have all been in the SAS despite never leaving the area except to go to Aberdeen/Inverness and show the Granite City how tough Nairnites are. (NB They are despised!)
  • Public Toilets
  • Harbour full of Yachts for the ‘’West End’ ’elite and normal little boats for people (not from there) who like boating.
  • Sports Club for people who pretend to like tennis/squash but actually just want to be seen to play tennis/squash eg. “oh, I don’t have time for coffee darling I’m late for tennis and Tarquin is using the Audi today so I am stuck with the BMW!”
  • Police Station, a favourite for making malicious complaints about people for no reason.
  • Boy Racers racing hot hatches at breakneck speed around the “lap” (harbour around the high street one way system)
  • Woods, there are loads of them. Perfect for taking your dog for a walk and then phoning the Police because you were “concerned” for some undiscernible reason about the welfare of someone who is walking their dog. (The only reason being is to look important and an all too unmissable chance to phone the Police for no reason)
  • Joining the retained Fire Brigade to allow you to drive like an idiot and endanger other road users when responding to a cat up a tree. You also need to tell everyone you are a Fireman, even though you aren’t and your real job is fitting double glazing. (It is important to also get pissed in uniform and tell loud racist jokes about the “darkies” in the middle of a crowded pub on a Thursday evening after practice.(Practice being driving a Fire engine onto the forecourt of the fire station and then switching on all the blue beacons even though it is safely parked off the road to cause amazement and annoyance to all motorists passing the fire station.) You must also pretend to care deeply about helping people while thinly disguising the fact that you are just on a massive power trip and couldn’t give 2 f*cks about anyone or anything.


I would suggest that moving to Syria or Afghanistan would be preferable. I am not joking, this is the worst place I have ever lived in.

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