Eastbourne – A gangster’s view

Living in Eastbourne, East Sussex
Living in Eastbourne, East Sussex

Eastbourne – A gangster’s view

East SussexSatireSouth EastPic Via

Anybody reading this is about to enter the deep dark underbelly that is Eastbourne. Eastbourne is rife with criminal activity including petty theft, loitering, littering and smoking in no smoking zones!

Now Compare this with places like Rio De Janeiro in Brazil with its notable ‘Favellas’, with their high crime rate consisting of murder on a daily basis, gun battles between police and criminals, drug running and brutalised rape. Eastbourne is obviously miles worse and if you cant see it then you’re an idiot. [Ok fiddy pence!]

Believe me i’m a big time gangster [no you’re not] in Eastbourne and I conduct most of the above on a daily basis [loitering and littering, you bad boy!], it gives me Eastbourne’s status as the N0.1 gangster [and laughing stock].

Highest Crime Levels

Violence Against a Person – City of Westminster
Sexual Offences – City of Westminster
Robbery – Lambeth
Burglary – Haringey

Lowest Crime Rates

Violence Against a Person – East Dorset
Sexual Offences – Ribble Valley
Robbery – Rutland
Burglary – Alnwick

Did anybody notice that eastbourne doesn’t appear in this ‘uk statistics list’?

Now ask yourself the question ‘why is this?’ [because it’s so safe, old bids go to retire there?]

ANSWER: You obviously haven’t been reading this article properly, Eastbourne is so corrupt the government is threatened into fabricating the truth because they are so scared, believe me, as Eastbourne’s Number 1, I’m involved with the threatening that goes on [in your imagination].

I was involved in one of my biggest ‘gangster ops’ missions last year when we [in our imaginations] threatened a local MP with potato peelers (blunted incase we cut ourselves) and feather dusters covered in itching powder.

Anyway i must leave i just heard shots fired outside my window…and a potato pellet just fell into my lap, gonna go mash the shooter up big time with my ‘hulk smash’ gloves… they don’t leave bruises!

Eastbourne’s no1, Billy Boi


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