Having frequented many of the finest **** hotspots in the West Midlands i’m sure there can nowhere in the country that comes close to the level of Chavness the West Midlands has to offer.
In the East of the region there is a city so chavy the name was devised fully expecting an impending influx of ****. This can be no other ****** hellhole than Chaventry. In the 2 years I spent in this deprived **** box I never once spotted anyone under the age of 18 without a Burberry cap and NBA basketball vest. The ring-road road signs contain an A-Z of **** towns while constantly directing you around the road to hell. Leaving this place is near impossible, a reason why the locals manage to have no idea of any life outside the dump. The highest concentration of ****’s in the known universe can be found in the Skydome area, a venue so densly populated with white cider drinking louts and lambrini drinking ********’s it should be an NHS walk-in unit. But the existence of the only saving grace in this cesspit – The National Motor Museum – the only collection of cars within 20miles that isn’t purely Citroen Saxo’s and Corsa’s saves this from being no.1 on the West Midlands **** list.
A town fast rising up the on the chavdar is Stourbridge. Once the envy of Dudley, Halesowen and Black Country residents this place is now the weekend haunt of anyone with £1.60 for the bus fare but not the £3 trainfare into Birmingham. Exclusive venues like the Lloyds No1, Que Pasa and the jewel in the crown Chicago’s will be more than willing to take extortionate amounts of money off you in exchange for lager or plutonium coloured alcopop’s. But beware, anyone not drinking Stella will be immediately glassed by some footballer’s jumper wearing try-hard and then kicked around the floor via his Rockport’s for being ‘a gayer’. Even Paris Hilton couldn’t enjoy a night here.
Broad Street, Birmingham is THE place for ***** to visit for a night out. A small nuclear device on a Saturday night encompassing Lloyd’s N01 (officially the chavest bar in the city) Walkabout (kid **** heaven) Reflex (single mom central) and The Riza, is the only hope for this one great area. Bringing the creme-de-la-creme of ***** together from as far afield as Northfield, Longbridge, Yardley Wood, Erdington and Stechford (all worthy of an individual paragraph) this is truly the hotspot for the **** of Birmingham. ****’s on the prowl ******* out car windows as they crawl up the road; ****’s in jumpers and white trainers throwing up copious amounts of Magners at 3am; ****’s fighting with bouncers, police and taxi wardens; ****’s spilling burrito down their Henleys t-shirt; ****’s arguing with their beer fueled mates; ********’s passed out on the pavement with their lady garden’s on show; ****’s only coming out after getting completely slaughtered at home on QC Sherry; ****’s racially abusing taxi drivers, yes, Broad Street has it all! Come along and see for yourself, or maybe not.
Dudley – The land that time forgot. This place contains the worst 2 tourist attractions in the country, more **** villages than Liverpool (been there too, its woeful) and an out of town shopping centre that broke the mould for cruising levels and fast food venues. The castle – completed in 1530 is one of the more modern buildings in the town and had the unfortunate position of overlooking the entire centre. The Wren’s Nest estate or the Renner, Pensnett, Gornal, Netherton, Brockmoor and Tividale are particular lowlights and should be avoided on foot at all costs. The ****-ratio in these areas is unbelievably high and they can generally be found loitering around the local corner shop or chaving it up on a mini motorbike on the local park. Unfortunately the adult population of Dudley doesn’t help the situation, the Love and Hate knuckled single mothers build up their kids expectations so high by showing them the unachievable delights of Poundland and promising them a day out at the Zoo their only option is a life of fake designer chavwear, Blue WKD and crime. If you do end up in Dudley and want to escape the hum drum life of the chavpit, unlucky, it’s impossible. This is surely the **** capital of the West Midlands, which is in turn the **** capital of the UK.