Warning strong language.
Welcome to Chavifax formerly known as Halifax.
I can’t believe my chosen town of Chalifax isn’t listed, including all the small surrounding districts. Imagine my pleasure to now be residing where I have no fear of being accused of living the rich life or even the good life, as there are just so many examples of fine chav behaviour right here on the street corners and parks in Chavifax.
West Chalifax used to hold the title for chav central but after two years of an ASBO distribution mania and a early evening curfew the mass gangs of sub human apes called chav have disbursed and amazingly drive round and round in circles lost in the one way system in the centre of Chavifax usually from six pm to 8 pm and single-handedly find their way out to the north of the town, to North Chavifax roll down the hill to the parklands. I know this cause nightly you can hear the beat of their dance music in their low-rise low cost high alloy wheel cars from up to six miles away like the ancient Native American Indian drums. I used to worry about migraines, but have learned only to begin to fret when the sounds stop or change.
For instance the other night my family noted with surprise how uncannily quiet it was that drive, until nearing North Chavifax, where we began to hear a slow rhythmic thumping, assuming we were driving into chav land we began to close the windows. As we turned waiting for traffic to enter Chav Lane my husband identified the source of the sound and my young children looked out their windows to witness the first human sacrifice to a chav in their presence as two blokes rolled out of the pub on the corner and without removing their Burberry hats proceeded to pummel with fists another bloke who succumbed to the blows by gratefully applying his head followed by his body to the pavement where the others proceeded to kick his stomach in rhythm. Quickly turning just after a car passed we turned the corner.
The shock still with us… we passed not one but three (count them, one, two, three – there you go) groups of these chav clad Neanderthals in numbers from 8 to 15 approximately 500 meters apart on the way home.
I have a friend who has the unfortunate pleasure of living near the parklands which has been in its time a children’s playground and a bowling green with soccer fields for the local community. It looked a lovely peaceful site when she purchased it but now the bowling green has no fence, as there was a chav festival on Guy Fawkes Night where they burned the wood fence in effigy. The children’s playground is a shadow of itself with swings wound round the top bar well out of reach of any child or adult not half monkey to climb up and unwind them and the equipment is laden with signs and labels similar to the ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics however unlike the Egyptians who expressed process and spirituality the decipherable signs proclaim f*ck you, I’m going to slash you up, or for a good time call the local chavette. The old soccer changing rooms and showers have been painted green time and time again but regularly my friend tells tales of how on any evening you can see the local Neanderthal chavs on the rooftops performing their mating dances of destruction.
This cycle is perpetuated according to my friend who says that every morning Calderdale council sends trucks of men with huge gadgetry to clean up the waste papers from the feedings of the chavs who somehow manage to find the fish shop on the corner and actually walk a fair lick to the park, the cider and lager cans which largely originate from the post office who never sell to underage drinkers … which actually may be true as in groups of 50 that have been observed in the park on their frolic nights where the druggies and dealers show up allowing an endless parade of the latest and the greatest in chav automotive kit allowing an incessant concert of chav music which drowns out the turns on at the Ivy and the Shant….there have been known to be some creatures seen in attendance which date to approximate ages of 30.
One regular occurance as well she told me about is that on occasion a chav parent will arrive shout obscenities at the neighbours who are insisting their children take their intimidation elsewhere so the age increases at those times. Which makes one ponder on the souls of the immigrants who came to this lovely country after the war to assist essential services and rebuilding of this country – who worked like Trojans and earned a pittance but had pride in community and even swept the sidewalks – oh how they must turn in their graves due to thought of their grandchildren mugging old lady friends of theirs. Imagine the war hero looking upon his grandchildren from the great beyond – a man who saw kids as young as his grandchildren die for the cause of freedom – watch his young chav grandchildren by manner of their behaviour remove the liberties of the neighbourhood!
Residents of North Chavifax sick of their tires being slashed, windows being put in by rocks, and general incessant noise and nuisance banded together recently to show a group of 50 chavs they wanted their neighbourhoods back only to disband the group and have them now wandering like a pack of hyenas from neighbourhood to neighbourhood.
And we haven’t even got to Northwestern Chavifax yet – the centre of the universe that is chav. Schools there have bars on to keep the students OUT.
Mini motorcycles abound throughout the area driven in first gear to the fine speed that allows wheelies over speed bumps to ensure the mufflers definitely are removed with sparks and flares ensure a quality sound to reverberate around fine Yorkshire stone houses.
Congregations of chav mammals akin to the Gestapo of Hitler, belch and swallow cider and lager at the rate of six inches of waste covering a few square miles in a matter of minutes – all the while the chav b*tches slobbering over the chav males or perhaps they are lesbian couples it is very hard to tell the sex of these chavs – swearing and f*cking – without removing their clothes – in broad daylight! Better than taking your kids to the circus, lets put a ringmaster outside her front door so he can proclaim “ Step right up! See the chavettes shouting down the streets ‘c’mon ya b*stard s*ck my t*ts!’ whilst wearing stilettos fur coat, no knickers, firmly grasping a faux Versace bag being pulled down the street by the local monkey chav.”
Its when night sets in the fun begins appearantly, I’ve been at my friends one evening where – after the dealers begin their sales – the endless stream of cars slows the concert has intermission while they get stoned out of their heads, the animal behaviour changes to a violent ape man like rage which comes in waves – and when the alcohol and the drugs stop flowing the destruction begins. Tires flattened, car windows put in, gardens, houses, by 3 in the morning North Chavifax looks like it’s been wiped out by a major tornado – chav debris is at every turn.
There is only a mention of four small districts. The centre of Chavifax has the black Mariah in it on a regular evening basis. Morning at the Magistrates must be an endless chav fashion parade, it’s amazing they haven’t installed a catwalk and publicise the event. Imagine the new income to Calderdale council – an entrance fee to view the multitude of the latest and the greatest that is chav. We could even install a special viewers box and invite the chav who want to celebrate the latest and greatest recipients of ASBO, which would provide a wonderful viewing spectacle for the general public – a sideshow in a show.
Halifax Town, the local footie team, has a reputation for football hooligans but with the population explosion of all that is chav due to Tony Blair’s wonderful influx of additional funding for all that is on benefit there is a new breed dawning – “the foothoolichav” – a new cross breed like mixing a porcupine with a rotweiller. These species not have a chav attitude but they have the added benefit of mass hypnotism and up the violence to murders and gang rapes and no longer does one have a worry of small groups of chavs like 10 to 15 now the numbers regularly are in excess of 50.
Here is Tony worrying about a little water bottle on a plane when the magnitude of this population explosion and the cross breeding of all the vagrant inhumane life forms that exist in the bowels of this society is spreading to epidemic proportions – if the Muslim fascists don’t get us a chav will – a lovely choice late in life, don’t you think?