Everywhere in Taunton
Unfortunately, like the majority of English towns and cities, c**v monkeys are everywhere in Taunton. A stroll down the pleasant streets will practically guarantee you bumping into Mr and Ms C**v, with pushchair in tow, debating whether to spend this weeks giro on scrumpy, fags, Elizabeth Duke jewellery or a night/fight in the Market House. ‘Have you got a spare fag mate’, or ‘lend us a quid mate’ or ‘watchoof**kinlookinat’ seem to be the only phrases these fine upstanding citizens seem to be able to muster towards non-c***s.
Obligatory pastimes include petty vandalism (notmyf**kincarizit), public drunkenness (in daylight hours seems to be especially encouraged) and the wearing of the c**v uniform (tracksuits, cheap gold jewellery and lots of it, baseball cap, you get the picture).
At night, and especially on the weekends, Taunton turns into something more insidious, a place where gangs of spotty baseball capped youngsters further their education in c**v culture by roaming the streets, intimidating local people with their cheeky behaviour, hitting unsuspecting but of course deserving solitary pedestrians (a c**v is never alllowed to fight another person on their own) and amusing passerbys with their colourful language (yoof**kincurrnts)
Taunton is now on the c**v map, a place where northern c***s can come on their holidays, apart from Western-Super-Mare. As my brother-in-law once said to me (and he lives in Stoke, a c**v central if there ever was one), ‘they offend me by just being there’. I dont think I can sum it up better myself.
It seems the c**v culture is taking over Taunton, for any of you ‘c**v spotters’ all you need to do is head down ‘da bowl, innit’ (hollywood bowl) to find the c***s in their glory!
Watch out that you don’t get run over in that area. The c**v-racers love driving their heaps of crap around da bowl, maccyDs and da odeon 24 hours a day, round and round in circles whilst whistleing to all the chavettes in their mini skirts smoking their ‘fags’.
Once you’ve seen it all there, head down the road to Lambrook, this is where all the c***s live. Its even more lovely at xmas time, the c***s try to out do each over with more and more xmas lights each year (make sure you look at where the electrical cables lead to) yep, you’ve guessed it, the c***s are too cheap to pay for the electricity, so they connect the cable to the nearest lampost!
What more could the c***s want though! They have their own neighbourhood, and two supermarkets! yes thats right! Lidls and Asda! Lidls knew that they are the c***s favourite store, so they decided to build another one right in the middle of town! How thoughtful!
The town is overall the c***s favourite hang out with shops like Primark, Sports soccar, poundland, and argos (where the c***s can stock up on those lovely 9ct gold chains, the thicker the chain the better) What more could a c**v want?
For nightlife the c***s flock to ‘Dellars’ and ‘The Perkin Warbeck’ where they hope to pick up a rapist or a father for their 8 kids.
Taunton, picturesque county town famous for its market produce and rural farming, marred only by one tacky sports shop too many perhaps. Or so the average tourist visiting during daylight hours would be fooled into thinking. Stick around till nightfall, however, and the luckless tourist would discover a nightmare so horrific it would make even satan reach for a bucket.
It begins on the outskirts near the bowels of tauntons most gruesome council houses in roman road and inner circle – estates reserved for the most perverted and deranged of our species. Seven yearolds bedecked in industry standard argos bling, ostentatious shell suit style ‘sportswear’ and female counterparts modelling stretch lycra ‘skirts’. They are to be found congregating anywhere between their feted estate abodes and the highstreet where they train to be as offensive as possible to anyone and everyone, especially people that havnt been seen in the bed of their disease ridden mother. Imagine the most vile parasitic s**m that ever masqueraded as homosapians – they are here by the bus load. One wonders if Enola Gay’s real target was taunton, not hiroshima.
Common or garden c***s don’t generally come close to the unique breed of psychochav that has been evolving in the depths of low cost MFI furniture around these parts. As they get older, their natural traits become apparent. Compulsory bleached spiky hair, well rehearsed scowl, immaculately positioned sovies on every knuckle, ironed light coloured slightly patterned shirt, and the replacement of the brain with a basic, focused psychotic s**t kicking machine all become well developed. Making their way into taunton town centre on friday and saturday nights, their trail of vandalism, threatening behaviour, A&E cases lining the outsides of every ‘club’ they visit is as regular as clockwork.
No provocation, no dialog or anything is required anymore to get your teeth smacked out, your limbs broken or your brain damaged. Just come to sunny taunton.
Taunton is a must for any dedicated C**v Spotter. Somerset’s main town should not be mistaken for a cultural hub of shopping/market activity. Delve below the surface and this town is a filthy breeding ground for the Greater Spotted C**v. Don’t bother going to the town centre to C**v spot (though if you do, Pound Stretcher is the other side of the river; a ploy to keep the main street tidy). To see the C**v in it’s natural habitat, catch a number 6 C**v bus to Inner Circle and Outer Circle. It is no mistake that this estate is made up of two circles. Ever sympathetic, Taunton Deane Borough Council understands the C**v and his need for things to be simple. By placing all C***s in this estate the council are content in the knowledge that the C**v will never lose his house as, whichever end he starts at, he will always come back to the same place. Running alongside the ‘Circles is Roman Road. It’s straight you see so you can’t get lost (Taunton Council really are good to C***s). At one end is Aldi and, at the other is Asda (though there are usually several supermarket trolleys and fridges to manoeuvre around). It was hoped that this habitat would provide everything the C**v needs to survive and it seems to work because most of the rest of the town is quite clean.
Seems Taunton has got more and more chavvy as the last 10-15 years has gone. They all seem to shop for clothes in Sports Soccer which has made Donnay the fashion for said c***s round here along with those godawful cheap gold/silver neck chains handily available from Argos. Burger King and McDonalds seem to have a monopoly on litter round here due to a complete lack of understanding from c***s as to how to use a litter bin. As for transport the scooter seems to be “in thing” for them. They always have to be in groups of at least 3 which I suppose gives you some prior warning of their pressence as you can here them coming a mile off due to the infernal racket the engines make. Doesn’t make it any safer though as they always seem to be riding on pavements, up cycle paths, jumping red lights, weaving through traffic and going the wrong way up one way streets. When said c***s become 18 or fancy their chances of getting served when younger, the 2 Weatherspoons pubs (The Perkin Warbeck & The Coal Orchard) seem to be the hangout when alcohol is needed. Baseball caps and Cider/Stella woen and drunk as and when needed. Strangely enough haven’t seen too much Burberry (give it time though I’m sure) but the baseball capped, some form of tracksuited (Donnay/Kappa mainly) c**v is always present.