South EastSurrey

I really can’t believe that Sutton hasn’t yet been included before on this site! But then again, seeing as the place is infested with trackie-bottom wearing no-marks, perhaps there are not many in this sarf London backwater that are too unhappy with chavdom!

Let’s start at the bottom of the barrel … or Matalan as it’s usually known. Should you ever care to visit this anti-culture of short denim skirt wearing slappers & shaven-headed inbreds to whom a Chelsea replica shirt is de rigeur in the fashion stakes, you will notice that the pee-stained steps of their chosen ‘dirt cheap’ discount store seem to be the Roman-style Forum of the high-rise masses. As you venture up the hill southwards, you will find the clientele improves somewhat, but where before, the garlic & wooden stake of Waterstones tended to send your average c**v rolling down the hill like some modern day Jack & Jill, the installation of a Wilkinsons opposite a couple of years ago has massively emboldened them, so much that they are sometimes spotted chortling Beavis & Butthead style at the Italian restaurant menu opposite the station before retreating to the safety of Maccy D’s & the HMV store where they can swap stories about how they blew their entire Giro on Tupac CD’s & Fast & Furious 2 on DVD.

At night, they seem to swarm like moths to such salubrious watering holes as Chicagos & Long Island Bar, paying well over the odds for a bottle or ten of Smirnoff Ice after selling their Grandad’s Second World War medals at Cash Converters. The males can be spotted easily, covered in ill-conceived maori tattoos, attempting to chat up some of the more educated Sutton women with lines such as “You’d look great on the back seat of my souped-up Renault 5” or “You’re gorgeous, let me treat you to a Doner & Chips”.

The females are less easy to spot, but no doubt easy, as they are generally snapped up with their sophisticated approach line of “Hi sexy, buy me a WKD Blue & I’ll shag ya in the graveyard”.

Shop in Sutton in the day if you must (staying at the top of the hill of course), but avoid after dark as they tend to meander southward, tempted by the flashing lights of the newly-opened amusement arcades reflecting the bling. If cornered, compliment them on the Hackett shirt & high-tail outta there!

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