Written by Anonymous. Posted in Uncategorised

Beware the Mourne Valley mishap of a town that is Strabane. Squeezed between the predominantly Protestant villages of Sion Mills and Ballymagorry soon to be amalgamated with euro-ville Lifford,(Lifford ironically houses Strabanes only cinema-yes it’s strabanes, apparently) the Catholic town of Strabane is a sure chav central.

Leisure and tourism.

So you’re in Strabane, and looking for a good time. What do you do?
Well personally i’d reccomend leaving Strabane, that’s step one.
However, if you insist on remaining in the hellish oversize housing estate that is Strabane there’s a number of things which may pass minutes of interest for you.
Firstly there’s the scenic natural landscape of the locality. Examine stunning views of shopping trolleys wedged in the river as the local meths drinkers hassle you for cider money along the river wall. Or how about exploring the rolling natural hills of Strabane parkland? Yes courtrai park has it all, empty WKD bottles, the odd used condom and even the overwhelming behmoth police presence (Don’t be alarmed, the police facade is purely for cosmetic reasons…they never actually stop any crime.) Visitors are advised to pack some Silk Cut milds in case hassled by local twelve year old chain smokers on site.
Moving on into the town centre visitors can marvel, ooh, awe and ahh at the extravagent waste of cash that is the “score site” known locally as the canal basin. Such site used to be home to a cubic mile of water until Linton & Robinson’s paid for it to move out and it is now Strabane’s answer to Moscow’s “Red Square” which is a fair comparison as is evidenced by the litres of said alcopop which are consumed at this location on weekends. Such binges are often only the precedent for a “Bangin’ nite out on the town, wi’ the lads/gurls(delete as appropriate)” to the infamous Daty Kaly’s nite club. Despite the clubs long stance as the centre of the local economy and clubbing scene, locals are still confused to whether it is actually a bar or a youth community workshop. We are told to advise that I.D. is essential, so kids you’re gonna need to doctor Big sisters passport. Expect an overwhelming door staff presence for no good reason and anyone who is under the legal age (which currently stands at 16-ish) would be better to get a bit of tit or leg out, that always helps buy your way in. Inside avoid the Raptrix zone at all costs, keep your head down and head straight for the relative security of the theodor zone. The raptrix is what only can be described as Belfast zoo’s gorilla complex meets Topman. The chav force is high-beware anyone who has hair that is anything longer than the prescriptrion “Crew cut” style.
Finish off a night out in strabane after all the bars have closed* at around 3.a.m (*All bars, not including the 24/7 homers farm)
Make your way to the most popular local fast food eporium – Japer’s. Japer’s, juxtaposed between the Chav HQ “Townie-Hole” bar and frivilous rocker night spot “Licey Rileys” lies directly in front of the Townie Hole carpark, japer’s were kind enough to install a large glass panel window to enable patrons to watch local meatheads pummel, gouge, stab and throttle….well other local meatheads and occasional innocents. Reccomended dish is the spicy beef, which surely adds spice to the toilet bowl the morning after-no questions asked.

Coming next time: Politicians and the economy. Find out about the joker MP’s and Strabanes proud record as the UK’s Unemployment black spot!

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