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OOOOH well, what can i say, i have read many a funny article on chav centrals and towns heaving with discusting animal like characters however “tamworth” seems to amuse me the most.

Hotspots for SHEFFIELD nightlife-

Neiche (classy underground club for a “buzzin” time with almost definately drug vendors and lots of horrifically loud speed garage..You will find chavs spilling out of their in the early hours..Hard core chavs will leave at 6 in the morning however just being in neiche will automatically give you chav status (but you must follow the dress code)

Dress code for neiche- Burrberry cap goes without saying..(shouldn’t look new or clean)
Nike shocks is a must although be careful because they are just too irresistable for the hard core chavs to tax off u! Tracky bottoms (rebock goes down well), At least five phones on you, (which by the way must have burberry covers with a flashing light on the ariel) For the upper body, there is no top required..by the end of the night your top will have been taxed or simply ragged off whilst tribe dancing to the superb choice of music. Hair…any sort of hair doo will be tormented and taken the piss out of..boys will be called “pretty boys or gay” and girls if you look to soft will either not be let in by the chav bouncers or let in and subjected to being beaten and taxed or simply spat in the face by the classy chavettes girls. So boys please get your head bicked before entering.

Zero nightclub..although i dont believe is still open, is also a chav cental club as well as the notorious “purple”-or berlins which it was once known as.After being refurbished ( the sick drenched walls splashed with a garish purple colour hense the name given) the bar/club was still the absolute chav magnet! The first time i went ( iwas misled into thinking it was a cheap but sophisticated joint) i was roughly about 16 but still probably the oldest lass there! I was very lucky to watch two sheff girls slide up and down a pole on the stage up above the bar. Typical chavettes they strutted their stuff, parading their white fat bodies in extremely tight fitting white trousers obviously with a black thong showing, wearing with pride their playboy necklaces which were almost as big as them and wearing all 10 nuckle dusters. Their kosoven boyfriends or husbands waited by their sides whilst eyeing up the other chavette talent (their girlfriends 13 year old sisters)

I was shocked to say the least but found my self there most weekends when i was young and stupid with my oh so chavish boyfriend..(i have seen sense now and got rid)

How to avoid confrontations with wild aggressive defensive chavs- if you cant beat them join them.

1) Don’t ever looka chav in the eye at least not a chav from the same sex as you..opposite sex chavs can actually be “sound as fuk”! but the same sex chavs as you find it impossible to get on, as jelousy and bitterness usually gets in the way.

2) try to dress similary to them if you know you will be in a confined space with one or more of these skets..Obviously you wont have to wear the cap and the trackys but several earings in one ear and hair scraped up in a gelled pony tale would certainly lower the chance of being battered by them.

3) use their language..you can get a blinglish dictionary from waterstones..”safe as fuk” “sound” “buff” “sweet” “easy” “seen” are all good phrases to use although your chav language will be sneared at if you don’t use the sheff accent.( no should be prenounced “nuur”)

4) compliment their fashion sense and inform them you will be purchasing soon a burberry hat.

5) DO NOT appear to be too nice. Swear, smoke, spit on the floor, yell, and threaten to smack someone will score you brownie points within the chav family.

There is really no point in trying to resist and fight the chavs..Ignore them and if this fails then pretend to be one by replicating their inhumane characterisitcs.

Other hotspots for chavs-MEADOWHALL

If you want a chav biatch or chav male on your arm or simply looking for some chavette fun,meadowhall is simply the place to be.

If your a girl shopping at meadowhall is a ticket to hell. Wolf whisteling, groping and being followed goes without saying. If your a guy then beware of the ruff biatches. They wil be just as forceful as chav guys. If you would like to meet some fun loving chavs then the arcade and the recently built ice rink is the place to go. In general the bottom part of meadowhall belongs to the chavs..The area of the statues of market street plus the oasis should be avoided if you cant stand them.

These areas wil heave with them..you will literally have to wade through the monsterous ocean of obese poorly educated animals who will simply trample over you if you don’t dart away in time and who will almost definately be smoking even though its a non smoking area.Their prams are just an instrument to mow down us poor unfortunate shoppers. The arcades in meadowhell will provide endless amounts of fun and boasts a variety of chav for those seeking chav relationships.

There are sket magnets and chav attractions in sheffield (club WOW) but i am running out of space and effort to elaborate.

Whether you want to be a chav, hate a chav, meet them or try and kill them…Sheffield is the place be.

I have heard that sheffield is the safest place to be (safe not meaning the chav “safe”)..All i can say is if its safe here, god help you poor sods who live anywhere else.

Although chav ridden, sheff isnt all that bad! And to be fair not all “chavs” are bad, infact i have found myself be frending a whole hang of them..(including a few from tamworth!- see the review of this inbred town) and they never seis to bore me. They are crazy fun loving and although quite defensive at times they can be rather nice. Riding in their shitty ford focuses has actually been quite thrilling and so i dont think its right to judge them all the same.

Any way i must be getting off..I have a chav ex boyfriend awaiting a drink with me!







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