A beautiful expansive area with expensive houses, not a chav in sight for as far as the eye can see. Beverly Hills is indeed a very nice place to settle down with your 2.4 children and shiny BMW in the drive. Sadly, Selly Oak isn’t.
In fact, it is the very antithesis of Beverly Hills. Your 2.4 children are now wearing hideous burberry hats and Rockport boots, incapable of resisting the chav doctrine, and your BMW has been a) scratched, b) stolen, or c) both.
This place is such a chav-hole that it is often labelled ‘Smelly Oak’. However, the local tourist board later removed this from their pamphlet. Why do chavs live here? Let’s examine the facts…
1. It is a well known fact that chavs cannot read, they believe ‘The Guardian’ to be the person who looks after baby sister Kayleigh after her ‘muvver’ was deemed unfit to look after her any longer. If they could read, they would realise what E-Coli was. However, it does explain why they visit such rat-infestations as ‘Kebabland’ and ‘The Selly Sausage.’ This latter establishment is so full of Argos jewellery that when the sun shines you need to shield your eyes as you walk past to avoid blindness.
2. Chav logic dictates that anyone going to university is a ‘rokkit signtist’ and so they have deliberately moved to the vast student area in Selly Oak to steal their TVs and stereos over the Christmas break. This makes either a nice Christmas present for baby Jermaine-Lucas or can easily be exchanged at the local Pawn shop. Gleaned money can then be spent at the handily-located Betting Shop. An average of 7.4 chavs a day actually enquire at the desk as to whether William Hill is in today. Chav humour at its finest.
3. Selly Oak is ideally situated between the City Centre, to which they can travel by train, refusing to pay the fare naturally, and the very shitty Northfield shopping centre. Numerous poundshops abound, as does a McDonalds, and the canal is an ideal dumping ground for all chav waste products. Chavs do not realise that the black bags they receive from the council every week are not for putting their children in when they have been naughty. There are also numerous conceptions being initiated under the canal bridges at any given point. A post office within spitting distance also provides easy access to the GIRO.
I was recently in a clothing shop when I heard the cling-clang of Argos rings from the T-Shirt section. Greasy niked-up chavs were examining the humorous (manufacturer’s estimate) T-Shirts on display.
FIRST EXAMPLE “I am a sperm donor. Women, apply within.” “‘Ere, that one’s for you that am!” “F**k off innit, that’s you Daz.”
NEXT ONE. “I lay carpets, a nice shag-pile.” “Harhar! That’s fuckin’ you innit!” “F**k off, that’s fuckin’ Jason yeh!”
And so this continued through about 6 different T-Shirts, each one less funny than the last.
Selly Oak is not a good place to live, and I would recommend you avoid it. Otherwise you will be dragged down to their level, and it will be you marrying ‘that bint down the pub’ and having 6 children within a 5 year period. You will be driving a car which is worth less than the air inside the tyres. You have been warned!