Oh, Cobblers! (Northampton)

East MidlandsNorthamptonshire

Aaah, Northampton Town – the United Kingdom’s third largest town, home to the ever delightful Cobblers football club and beautiful architecture dating back to the 17th Century. Problem is, it is also home to a growing number of c***s, who are spreading like a viral plague not too dissimilar from a mass zombie outbreak.

Unfortunately, unlike most stereotypes in modern society, the c**v stereotype rings true for almost 99% of cases. You only have to wander up to the Wootton Fields’ Co-Operative to be encompassed by these less than well-educated humanoids. Often, they are blasting dance music from their beat-up old Renault 5s, smoking, drinking and attempting to scope out their prey. By prey, I mean some poor soul who will be the butt of one of their cruel jokes, (or worse, receive a few kicks and punches to the facial area) or buy them cigarettes and booze.

In all honesty, having lived in Northampton for eleven years of my life, I can’t recall having many problems in the town centre during the day. In fact, I don’t often see many of them up there – it’s on a Friday night that you’ve got to worry.

Take a stroll down Bridge Street on a weekend evening and you are asking for trouble. More often than not, the street is littered with these complete wastes of oxygen – the younger are standing outside the bars after being refused entry, drinking bottles of Stella Artois which they managed to purchase in some scabby off-license with their dole money.

On the other hand, Abington Square is normally your safest bet – the area is dominated by ‘normal’ people and ‘alternatives’ – those who enjoy a good drink and a natter and aren’t looking for any trouble. Newly refurbished the Monkey’s Head, the Racehorse, and the Pennywhistle are all favourites, and from my visitations, always c**v free.

In all fairness to c***s, not ALL of them are as bad as the others – I have a substantial amount of friends who would probably be considered c***s, yet they are pretty OK to get along with and don’t start any trouble. Unfortunately, one thing no c**v manages to escape is the overall dodgy-ness of being one!

All in all, I don’t think Northampton is that infested – yet. One day, we may become overrun due to generations of sub-human breeding, but hopefully, that day is far off.


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