New Mills

DerbyshireEast Midlands

Let’s take a trip to New Mills. Or shouuld that be a trip through New Mills. This place isn’t really too good at all. In fact, it’s a dump. In Ali G style, the council’s divided New Mills into tow sub-regions, East and West. Here’s a piece of useful advice, if you’ve got a terminal illness- why bother spending lots of your childrens’ valuable inheritance money going to a suicide clinic in Switzerland, when all you need to do is dress like a ‘poof’ (that means someone with a little more money than everyone else) and take a stroll down the streets, hoping to encounter some of the notorious Gregory brothers, or some blind drunk plumber who seems to take a disliking to you.

If you hadn’t already gathered, New Mills is a northern town. Set in stone-literally- since the 1200’s, New Mills, as the name suggests was a cotton spinning town with quick links to Manchester on othe 2 railway lines that serve the town. there’s also a bus station, (in fact more of a bus roundabout with some random benches thrown around), a staggering 13 public houses for a population of 10,000, and two supermarket for poor people, SPAR and the CO-OP.There’s loads to do in New Mills if you’re a rabid child from the council esate who enjoys playing in one of the two s**t-diluted rivers or hanging outside the sweet factory for cast offs (yes, a town like this makes sweets).

So let’s get into what’s bad about New Mills. Everythin….wait, that’s not quite true. New Mills is a great place to live if you’re a chav. I kid you not. Let’s see what a typical ‘New Mills Lad’ as they like to call themselves likes to get up. first, dress up in your best white airmax shellsuit- quite fashionable here- your NYC baseball cap, and don’t forget that signiature touch, chewing gum. Now you’re good to go. The dole office doesn’t open till nine, so you’d better just sit at home watching Good Morning on your 54 inch mega screen TV that dominates your squalid council house living room wall. Oh, now the bus’s come, the 389 that’ll stop anywhere on it’s route, no bus stops needed. So you’ll go and collect you money at 09:01. Now you’ve got time to kill, haven’t you? How about going shopping for some new clothes in one of the four charity shops? Or maybe buy some chips for breakfast? Yeah, that’s a good idea, and it’ll make your acne scarred skin even worse- great!


Top 10 worst places to live in England 2019