Hythe oh Hythe!

KentSouth East

there is a small coastal village that most have never heard of despite it being the ‘birthplace of the c**v’. hythe is possibly the smallest place in the uk with the highest cpm2 (or c**v per square mile!!!) of any town ever mentioned!! It truely is the mecca for the burberry massive, anyone who considers themselves to have any kind of social status when wearing their tracky bottoms tucked into their socks will no doubt have visited this wonderfully over chaved town and if not… they will do!!

lets start with the local haunts. The most popular place for any under 18 aspiring c**v to ‘hang out’ has to be Arena! this is the only place within a ten mile radius that has anything resembling a late licence and so attracts all those who want to drink watered down stella, listen to terrible music like ‘baby cakes!!!’ and beat each other up for no reason under the bright red neon sign over the door!

As you move down the chain, those c***s that occasionally like to make an attempt at blending in, well, you’ll no doubt find them in the seagull! This was once the chaviest place to be what with having a pub upstairs and a tacky, cheesy nightclub downstairs! in this remarkable place you could observe those in fake burberry baseball caps trying to get in with the local… Totty?!?! before the nightclub downstairs was forced to close due to dying interest from the local c***s, you could often see the underage females of the village dragging those in reebok classics off through the lavatory doors for a little late night ‘I need a council house so get me pregnent’ love making in the cubicle.

After the club shut down mid 2004, c***s were forced to populate Arena and other such pubs around or be forced to wear their trousers over their socks to enter the seagull pub for the better class of clientel. That’s right, when a c**v feels the urge for some more mature action from the females of hythe, he will make an attempt to hide his chavness and stroll into the seagull, with its now, over-the-hill customers and rough as guts staff all begging to get a little action! The landlady in particular, who resembles a fire breathing goat chewing a wasp, can often be seen wandering around in revealing tops and tight lycra skirts (if she hasn’t got her multi-coloured chef’s trousers on that is) which hold absolutely no appeal to anyone with any self respect! And what kind of an example is she setting to the staff, who require nothing more than guidance to get out of their soon to be deemed as c**v ways. Most are often miserable, complaining about their children or the distinct lack of money because they’ve just spent their last £40 on their new hair do!

Short of these two establishments, the only other places these c***s can go without getting interrupted by the elderly is either the Croft (aka fight club) or the Langley Social Club. The Croft thought that a refit would help them into acheiving c**v status early last year and so closed for a month or so. sure enough, upon reopening, there was the queue of c***s waiting to get in for cheap food and pints of kronenbourg. The Croft has managed to keep hold of it’s status amongst the c***s so far by employing those in burberry socks to work the bar and burn the food. This however, doesn’t prevent the needless punch-ups that occur night after night both inside and out of the establishment!!! often over whose turn it is to buy the weed or deciding whose nova to drive round the corner to their girls house for some tinnies and a video! The affore mentioned SocialClub, located on the outskirts of Hythe in a burb known as Nettley Zoo (for obvious reasons I’m sure) and is nothing more than a shed! But it houses the local thugs of the town, often trying to aspire to Hells Angel status, but never succeeding. These thugs are more often than not, the fathers… and mothers!!! of the c***s about town. Due to everyone in the village enjoying a little inbreeding every-now-and-again nobody actually knows for sure who is whose parent. I believe this is the reason that you always see c***s in gangs… they have to treat each other like brother and sister because they might just be!

When any self respecting c**v isn’t drinking in the local tavern, you’ll often find him with his so called mates hanging around the kebab shop in a dark alley in Hythe or surrounding the local one-stop. often complaining about having no money because giro day isn’t until tomorrow, so they can’t text anyone or buy the 20 sovereign they are due to smoke each day! it really is a tragedy!

Waitrose made an attempt at helping this town out of it’s c**v ways by adding one of their stores to the over populated village centre, thinking that the extortionate price of their goods would encourage those without jobs to raise their standards. This didn’t work and due to the lack of reasonable staff, the company ended up employing some of the c**v population, destroying the Hythe Waitrose reputation in a heart beat!

As you move away from the town centre, you begin to realise just how much the c***s have influenced the once quiet old seafront village. The surrounding houses often have Nova’s and fiesta’s parked out front with obsurd looking bodykits attached to them, which upon first inspection look like they are made from nothing more than old fridgefreezer parts! And yet they are often spied around the village racing each other for ‘rispec’??? Still not quite worked that one out yet. There are however those who try to combat the c***s by attempting to add a little class to the neighbourhood by driving cars such as lotus’ and porsches’, little do they know, this doesn’t work! it’s merely a front meant to disguise the fact that they are just c***s with more money than most!

A little interesting fact about Hythe and its c***s. It made the local news late 2003 when the pier collapsed! It was destroyed when for some strange reason a p***y was allowed to pilot a dredger up the waters of Chavhampton!!! Probably high on weed or concentrating on texting his mates, he went off course and slammed straight into the pier tearing it down in seconds! What a shame the pier wasn’t laden with c***s at the time eh?

So, visit Hythe for that authentic Emmerdale Farm feel… with Burberry!

Top 10 worst places to live in England 2019