Ah Hull, twitching ******** of the north and the ***** mecca.
As we arrive at the filthy rail station we have our first taste of Hull – a taste like licking the floor of a bus. Observe the ***** near the local “teddies” amusements, spunking their giros and proceeds of Granny muggings into slot machines while crackling with the static in their mighty tracksuit bottoms. As we make our way out of the station please avoid eye contact as it often offends and results in extreme **** violence (and we don’t want huge Elizabeth Duke sovereign ring imprints in our foreheads do we?). Please also step over the various ***** “out of their face” on white strike, scratching their ******** on the floor (I hope its some bellend disintegrating disease they caught off Britney-Jane the 13 year old ***** depository).
At this point you may be approached by a filthy looking stripy topped **** asking for “50p to get to Leeds” He will explain that either a) he has just got out of prison and needs to get to Leeds or b)he will “kick yer ‘eddin” if you don’t. The sad thing is this poor ******* has been trying to get to Leeds for the last 3 years and apparently, after intimidating countless people, still hasnt collected enough money for the busfare. Just look at his tracky bottoms tucked into his lovely sports socks and back away.
We’re now in the Town Centre and its colection of pound shops (262 at last count), vast amounts of sportswear shops (smaaaaaaaaart maaaaate!) and smackheads with poundstretcher carrier bags.
You may notice at this point that you are surrounded by *****. This is quite normal in their natural environment.
If you are male they will be sizing up 1)Can they mug you 2)Do you look anyway different whatsoever to them (this causes a fear response in the ******** **** brain and leads to attacks) 3) Number of “quality” logos on you attire (the acceptable number is 10+ but you get bonuses for helly hansen)
If you are female the ********* will be meauring the size of your earrings- if theyre not Gold hoop and 6 inches in diameter you better run. Whilst the ever charming ***** will be encouraging you to “get yer **** out” or similar romantic things.
Should you meet any **** on their own (though this is unlikely as they are a pack animal) feel free to **** them without remorse. The **** feels vulnerable on his own and will avoid eye contact.
***** can be found on any bench or any bus stop, this being their natural habitat. Street corners also attract *****, where they can feel comfortable with their **** friends. Often they will hold a competition on how large a puddle of spit they can make in one night or who can be the first to touch 14 year old courtney-janes minge.
The thing about Hull is that there is no real **** hangout – no, theyre frigging everywhere. Indeed, in a recent government report Hull was found to have the highest density of kappa anywhere in the U.K.
So come to Hull, just for the rush of relief when you leave.
