Hempsted Valley (Gillingham)

KentSouth East

Like Bluewater (but without its inherent quality) Hempsted Valley is a c**v fest of a shopping centre that lurks between Rainham and Gillingham with easy links to the Medway capital of c**v – Chavtham.
Those unable to mug or steal the train fair to Bluewater descend on Hempsted valley and are seldom alone. In a centre shaped like an elongated toilet with a large central drainage hole where the c***s can be seen gurgling and floating their way down to the Nova and Fiesta parking lot all that’s missing is a Princess Chavana water feature to complete the toilet imagery and a huge Loo Bloo hanging over the stair well to steam them on their way. C***s who linger prior to driving off/ stealing a car are known as floaters for obvious reasons.
A belated attempt by Sainsbury’s to lift the ambulance (yes, correctly spelt..) occurred recently when the more appropriate “Chavacentre” became a more upmarket Sainsburys. For a few days the major c***s considered pastures new but the opening of one of Europe’s largest Argos stores with a drive thru Elizabeth Arden section made sure that their return was only a bus ride away.
Throughout the centre the clarion cry of “leave it babes ..it / she / he ain’t wurff it rings out – applied on occasions to a potential bargain, soon dismissed, punching his or her ex partner’s face in or abusing the kids or siblings. “ Get ‘ere Kylie” roared at 114 decibels is also a handy guide for those of us of a nervous disposition who immediately wander over before common sense prevails.
The young c**v boys are easy to spot – hair smeared in what has to be 2 year old and used Castrol GTX with a coquettishly applied fake Burberry cap on the back of their stubbornly empty heads the sort of lads for whom standing up and looking mean is multi tasking at its most demanding. The main area of safety is up by M&S and WH Smith – c***s of course allergic to the printed word unless stamped on a benefits book and the very real risk that they might be mistaken for that posh tart if they’re seen in Marks looking at the 2 piece winceyette pyjamas.
The inevitable food hall provides amusement ..the c***s take a bench in the fenced off area and you can buy a tray of muck to throw at them – “Cock n’ Rib” for those with sophisticated and carnivorous palette not able to say surf and turf and the usual high quality pizza with no toppings of anyone’s choice. Row upon row of drinks machines offer varying degrees of additives and accelerants guaranteeing an after lunch tantrum and lord help us if the children have any as well.

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