Lying the wrong side of the water in Poole Harbour(which takes some doing in itself),lies my dear home suburb,Hamworthy.Even in the **** Utopia of Poole,Hamworthy is noted for a glut of super-*****; uber-*****,even-,capable of striking fear into the heart of even the hardiest devotee of TKMax or Wilko’s..
In the same way one best sees the Sahara by camel rather than Land Rover,it’s best to visit by local means;namely the number 91 bus,which every 10 minutes reluctantly leaves it’s own **** bastion of Poole bus-station,enroute to the Eden of chavdom..Turlin Moor estate..In the 15minute safari that is the journey,numerous sitings of jitracks(Hamworthy-speak for *****) can arise..perhaps at Carter Community School(**** Eton),or Poole Quay(the **** Riviera)…invariably the most activity is to be found at the crossroads of Coles Ave.and Blandford Road..the crossroads of Hades..
Whilst the bus waits for 23-stone(3 stones of which are earrings) honey Sandra to disembark with her 8seater pushchair(all the while screaming “TYLER!!!GET BACK IN THAT SEAT,YER LIDDLE BAARRRSTARRRD!!!!”),we look to the left and observe the Liberal Club,replete with it’s bench of callow youths in white adidas,checked caps,and mopeds seemingly built from Meccano..a glance to the right sees the Co-op.festtoned with a dozen or so sozzled jitracks clutching WKD’s and tripping over their lower jaws..meanwhile another platoon of spotty ne’r do wells are in the process of blocking Sandra’s chip-stop..cue much braying and spilling of ketchup..
Minutes later we arrive at Turlin Moor,and a palpable air of dread(or is it TommyHilfiger?)fills the bus..at this point it all gets hazy,due to being knocked out by a hail of missiles flying into the bus like anti-tank rounds..the fake-Burberry clad yobs aim helped by the speed-bumps every 10yards reducing the bus to a crawl…
So why do i still live here ?..voyeurism?..character-building?..latent masochism?…probably all 3,plus i’m a berk..
NB;Poole Council has lately changed it’s spurious logo”POOLE-IT’S A BEAUTIFUL PLACE” to the vaguer “POOLE-IT’S HAPPENING NOW”..we aren’t told what “IT” is,but it doesn’t sound nice…
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