As they said in Godzilla, size does matter. But in Clitheroe, even though it’s so, well, microscopically small, size doesn’t matter. I wish the legendary Japanese monster (or monstaaaaa in townie-speak) himself would come and destroy some of the ****-infected teenagers who hang around this otherwise (fairly) quiet, pleasant market town.
No night out in Clitheroe is complete without a smattering of scruffy, greasy-haired young reprobates trying to get served in “The Dog Music and Sports Bar” or rearranging the Tesco sign to say “PENIS POO” or something to that degree. Don’t cross them either – they don’t like staring! Also, one of them pushed me off a wall for no apparent reason once. I think there was a 10 ft drop – and I cracked my head.
I was once unfortunate to cross these people. They were crucifying a mate of mine for chatting up a 15-year-old and shouting “YOU PAEDOPHILE!” How old were we at the time? 16……… They also approached us outside the *****’ favourite takeaway, “Romero’s”, saying they’d (no joke) “knock our blocks off…….” Hmm, last heard that phrase in roughly junior nursery class, I estimate!!!
A Friday night outside “The Dog” is a quality place to watch the ***** kick the living Brad Pitt out of each other like a pack of hungry wolves. It makes A Clockwork Orange look like Bambi.
Fortunately, they usually don’t have a ******** bird alongside them pushing a praam with a baby called Piranha or Fiesta. The local ladies may have questionable tastes sometimes (i.e. never going for me!) but they’ve got much better taste than that! Well, most of them…
They are very sexually frustrated, I feel sorry for the poor innocent local wildlife in this rural area. No wonder the farmers get f**ked off with them!
So, “WHERE ARE THEIR MUMS AND DADS?”, the question that’s usually asked when you see these
little shitbags up to no good.
If we’re to believe the local newspaper coverage, it looks like they’re usually at the local BNP rally.
And, all of them seem to be wearing an earring – remember the phrase: “There’s only two sorts of people who wear earrings – puffs an’ pirates – AND I DON’T SEE MANY SHIPS ROUND HERE!!!!!”
Top **** spotting locations:
– The Queen Victoria (local name “The Vic”)
– The Dog
– Clitheroe Social Club
– Romero’s takeaway
– Benches outside the library
– Any supermarket open after dark, especially Sainsbury’s car park
Other parts of town
– Virtually everywhere. Ribblesdale High School, although full of many nice, decent people, is also their breeding ground!
– Macdonald’s, going out of town on the A59 buspass – watch out for your fellow customers!