Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in United Kingdom, West Midlands, West Midlands

I noticed that nobody had written anything about Brandhall yet, so I thought I’d delight you all with a lovely description of the place.

Brandhall is a place in Oldbury, and it borders with Quinton [which also has certain chav quarters, usually around playgrounds suitable for 5 year olds and the area not far from the Punchbowl pub]. Brandhall is an up and coming chav town, with lots of council houses occupied by young chavs with babies, a couple of schools which unfortunatley get the intake of the local chav population and range of bus shelters which provide the ideal places for chav meeting grounds.

The Chavs here seem to congregate outside Global Wines [an off license that regularly seems to sell alcohol to children of the age of around 14] and will often be seen drinking in the main bus stop on the Hagley Road, shouting what they consider to be witty insults at passer by-ers, such as “Ya Mom” or “Yer Dad”. Sometimes Chavs over the age of 12 will attempt to go even further and slur at you “Yer wanna fight?” and then look slightly miffed when you tell them that you’ve got something better to do. But obviously the Chavs do not know anything better than a nice punch up.

The people of Brandhall are most prodomently Chavs. In fact, I think you could roughly work it out as 3 Chavs to every normal person [normal being worked out as not wearing burberry or over the top bling, and not talking as if you are about 3 or strutting around as if you have a limp] with numerous chav families dotted around. Note though, if you ever visit Brandhall, mind one of the houses on Oldacre Road. Here lives possibly one of the Chavviest families I have ever seen. You only need to walk past the house to have abuse hurled at you, let alone even look at the house. What I presumed was the daughter came out of the house surrounded by young children, and only then when I realised that this was the mother did things start to make sense. Dressed in trousers tight enough to fit a 3 month old child, a Von Dutch T-shirt and enough gel on her hair to put a gel company out of business, she then called to her boyfriend [who was sporting a lovely fake burberry cap and a gold earring or 3] to ” ‘elp me get thum kids in’t car” but still have time to yell at one of the kids to shut the f**k up. Poor child. No wonder it was screaming having a mother like her. Even the kids were wearing fake pink burberry coats. What amused me more was the fact that the mother only looked about 14 and had 2 kids.

The Chav gangs that roam the area are equally as charming. Walking back from somewhere with friends many a time just highlights their niceness evern more. All the girls with their JJB trackies and gold medallions round their necks, and gold rings the size of dinner plates stuck to their fingers. The Chav teenagers also seem very sexual. The girls in particular are very slutty and won’t think anything of going down on one of their guy mates for a bit of fun. They grope each other in public and tend to use the alleyways/roads to garages as places to have sex. Not very pleasant if you happen to be walking past. They don’t even get remotely embarrassed and stop, they carry on even if you’re a metre away from them.

You move onto the New Co-op and doctors surgery opening up. Here Chavs can be seen loitering around, eyeing up the shampoo and conditioner in hope of maybe nicking some, possibly to sell on for drugs, White Lightening and Lambrini or over the top fake bling. It would be nice if they actually used the stuff they nicked, maybe the shampoo could be used to get rid of the smell of the cheap body spray they use in attempt to attract opposite members of the sex. The only thing they attract with that stuff is flies.

The flats along the bottom of the Kingsway have been recently knocked down. Thank God. These were home to numerous chavs who would sit on dumped mattresses and sofas drinking from their 2 and a half litre bottles of White Lightening. Now they’ve been forced to move and currently reside in a number of locations such as the carpark by Brandhall library, the new bus turn around and Brandhall Golf Course. You might almost think that choosing locations such as a Library and Golf Course would make them seem a little more cultured and intellectual, but before you lull yourself into a false sense of security, let’s remember that these are Chavs. The Golf Course at night provides them with a great opportunity to pick up lost golf balls and then hurl them through people’s car windows and at people’s houses. The Library’s wheelie bins provide Chavs with a great source of entertainment such as wheelie bin racing down hills, and also the most thrilling idea of throwing the rubbish everywhere.

Even the shops in Brandhall are good for the Chavs. They have the most important off licenses, fast food place “Big Johns” in which Chavs eat from there for breakfast, lunch and dinner, a bank [to get the important money out to buy fast food and cheap cider], a flower shop [to kick the glass in when they feel like going on a wrecking spree] and the local pubs, which could be accuratley described as 2 pints of lager and a punch up.

Word of advice. Stay clear of Brandhall.