Bishop Auckland

DurhamNorth East

Bishop Auckland. A hideous and hell-like place. Or an amazing scientific site from which to study the bizzare breed of creature known as – the c**v. {Known here as “Charver” or “Townie”}. See it as you will.
As a person who has lived, or rather endured life, here all of my c**v-ridden years, I prefer to look on it as the former.
C***s here are no exception to those I have read about on this, and other, sites. The fashion, language and manner are very similar.
In B/A, your average male charver wears sports branded tracksuit bottoms, tucked into white socks, which of course end in white sports trainers, or “rockies” – Rockport boots. These are a treasured item and a very prestigious thing for a C**v to own.
On the top, either a football shirt or a branded sports t-shirt, with a tracksuit top, and in the winter a Berghaus coat. Perhaps Helly Hansen, although that was an earlier trend.
The customary burberry cap is worn religiously here.
The chavettes follow the above trend, however they have a variation. Unfortunatley my eyes have witnessed on several occasions c***s in a tacky-mini-skirt-whitesocks-rockies-boobchoob-tracksuitop-combo. Horror!
For the more dressy occasion C**v-male breeds can be seen in a Ben Sherman shirt, Jeans and either trainers or the aforementioned “rockies”. The C**v-female wears either the tacky-mini-skirt-whitesocks-rockies-boobchoob-tracksuitop-combo, or perhaps a nice burberry dress.
The staple jewellery consists of Clown/Ragdoll pendants, Crosses, Horseshoes, Sovereigns, Fake Diamond Cluster Rings, Saddle Rings, Huge Creole Earrings (Dice, or Circular Diamond hanging extras a popular favourite), Belcher Chains (min. 8oz) and all manner of other 2ct hollow crap.
The c**v male wears his hair short, with copious amounts of gel, and his female counterpart usually bleaches hers a nice shade of yellow and either straightens it so violently that you can see the burn marks or pulls it back so tightly (with a hideous HUGE flower clip, might I add) that you can see the skin of the forehead splitting. The “coke can” fringe is very popular, though its numbers have decreased in recent years. This is where a fring is curled under, and using enormous amounts of hairspray made to stand out in a terrible bouffant effect.
The charvers of “Bishi” (their word for our beleaguered town) hang around in packs, with a couple of members usually on bikes that they’ve slightly outgrown. They talk in an almost non-understandable language and like to shout random insults at all passer-bys. Especially me – a “git goff” (Something which I do not consider myself to be, I would say because I hate categorisation but I would be a hypocrite as I’m categorising c***s, so I’ll say its because I’m a die hard metal head.)
There are so many c**v phrases and words, some of which I believe to be exclusive to this region, but I will share with you my favourites:

“Git” – Used a prefix to most words e.g: “Git Goff” “Git class” “Git nice”
Often followed by “like”. E.g: “Git nice like”
“Propah” – “Propah good like”, “Git proper class”
“Fond” – “Divvy Fond” “Shockin’ (used to describe an unfair situation” Fond”
“F**k off or I’ll set me famlee on ther!”
“RHUBARB!” (Dont ask – I have no idea.
“GINA ROOOWLEY!”
“I’ll fuckin bat thee one!”
“Gorrany Tabs?”
“Buy ez some fuckin whitelightnin’ or i’ll flog ther”
“Does thou know oo I am?”
“Dinnert mess wi’ me, me fathers ‘arder than thoos!”
“Fuckin goffy bastards!”
“Oh my goff!”
“Divvy C***s”
“Daft C**t”
“Owee our Chowmein!”
“‘Ere our Billy-lee-marie, gerere or I’ll fuckin nack ther!”

There are many more, I’m sure you get the idea.

Drinks C**v’s enjoy: Cider, Lambrini, 20/20 and cheap white wine.

Cigarettes C**v’s Enjoy: Richmond, Superkings.

Teenage c**v’s love to hang out in various parks and bus shelters. They loiter outside of all supermarkets and off licences, hoping to intimidate somebody into buying alcohol for them.

Teenage lady c***s usually accesorise themselves with a pushchair and a baby dressed up like a merangue, or a nice tummy-bump.

C***s shag like rabbits and have never heard of contaception.

Thats all for now, there’s more to come though….


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