Bigoted, illiterate & unemployed? You’ve found your home in Burnley!

On entering, inhale the sweet, sweet aroma of week-old sweat and severe halitosis mingled with the lingering scent of weed. Take in the fine views around you, marvelling at the somehow still-inhabited ruins where, if you are brave enough, you may catch a glimpse of the inhabitants that some would even describe as ‘the missing link’, however are much closer to Neanderthals in physical appearance, speech and gait. Be careful though, as they are violent and will attack even when unprovoked. If you are really feeling your inner Attenborough, take a trip up to Burnley Wood to witness these creatures in action. The notion of ‘clothes’ has not yet reached this exotic part of the world, and they continue to reside in pyjamas at all times, whether during public domestics or food-gathering trips. A camera is not advisory, as a simple glance will evoke the phrase ‘Wot u lookin at m8!?’.

The quaint little town echoes with the sounds of sirens and football chants, especially on the holy days revered in Burnley, known as ‘match days’. Even the locals will not venture into town on these special days, as a madness overtakes the citizens, not unlike a zombie apocalypse. The streets are filled with the sound of glass smashing over skull, flesh hitting flesh and the occasional gurgled roar. The only pacification for these beasts is ‘another beer’ and a ‘***’. Like Burnley’s time of the month, if you must visit during this time remember to bring these pacifications or be ripped apart by wild dogs.

Burnley is a great place to move if you are expecting. You will have plenty of company at your neonatal classes from 14 year olds, discussing how much Vodkat they downed by the canal last night and leaving the sessions for smoke breaks or for a cheeky shag. Accept their culture. You have no option. However, do be careful as the general population has yet to embrace the notion of ‘Do not hit women’, never mind ‘just try not to hit anything, period’, so try your best to avoid… Well, just try not to leave your house.

If you are looking for a party, you’re in the right place! If your idea of a party involves glassing someone, throwing up on yourself, being glassed, drinking stale beer and avoiding looking at anyone ‘funny’. The main highlight is, of course, watching those in heels hitting the deck as they attempt to walk over cobbles after 9 wkds, 15 shots of Sambuca and a cheeky shag. Experience the nightlife in a range of clubs, most of which have shut down so watch out for squatters. Enjoy the suspense of ‘will he hit me, will he not?’. Join the revellers at 8 am in those final true clubs to see more eyes rolling back into skulls than you’ve ever witnessed before. Worry that that girl you just talk to is going to OD in the toilets. Watch a man gurn his tooth out. All in a night’s fun!

Of course, before you leave, don’t forget to visit the pride and joy of Burnley: the bus station. No, really, it won an award in 2012.

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