How can I do justice to this place without using 5000 words. If chavism is an epidemic then Barnsley was the orignal creator.
This is a place that has its own language similar to that of a severely brain damaged monkey. For one slight minute you would think you were in a islamic country as wearing a moustache is compulsory in all areas. It is obligatory for all teenage girls to have at least two children before the age of 14. A particularly good shop to recommend is cash convertors in town, espicially if you have had something stolen and would like it back. Weekends are particularly good as they have a very retro theme to them, especially if you like wearing slip on shoes, pleated trousers and hawain shirts. Barnsley at night is a delighful scene of women pissing in the streets, broken glasses and policemen fighting drunks. Fighting is espicially popular and can be started by either staring at someones trog of a girlfriend, talking in a so called funny accent which in fact is audible to anyone outside of this town and by being a student, black or from down south. It is highly recommended that if you are all three to avoid barnsley at all costs! If you dont die in a fight then you will definitley die from secondary smoke cancer in any of the cafes or by eating any of the local cuisine that has a heavy bias towards mushey peas. If you are feeling particular daring why not visit one of the inbred surrounding areas like grimethorpe where you can re inact that famous scene from american werewolf in london by walking into any number of pubs and experiencing a tumbleweed moment of terror. I could go on but my therapist has said i need stop looking in the past. Yes indeed barnsley is the bagdad of england!
I just can’t believe no-one has nominated Barnsley so far!!! As well as the usual character descriptions and behavioural lack of variety of subject matter of the inmates of other suitable shitholes such as Peterborough, Bradford and Wigan come the good people of Barnsley – lol, who were, alas, even further down the line when the genes were being handed out. Judging by the attitudes of people here the “C**v (lack of) culture” seems to pass for normality. C***s/neds/scallies are f***ing everywhere here!! (Literally, in the streets and alleys at weekends)
Apart from talking like sheep, other crimes people living in “Baaaaahnnsley” commit (apart from usual bored “ned” crimes of arson, burglary etc) are a phobia of soap, and they are all trapped in a timewarp and still waiting for the miners strike to end – good news for inhabitants of this goddamn awful place that the 80’s seem to be “back in fashion” at the moment – as the people and the town seem to be still living in that decade. Probably why you still hear real people using phrases like “ee lad thats champion” (english translation: well done) – nowhere else in yorkshire, or in fact, the Milky Way galaxy (no puns about chocolate – most barnsley folk can’t afford such luxuries without turning to heroin dealing) will you find people actually trying to make themselves sound thick as pig s**t. But this escapes the attention of the natives, whose main aim in life – if they fail to achieve the mandatory requirements for a satisfactory “ned” life – illegitimate offspring, extensive criminal record, etc etc seems to be to make some of the characters in ‘The League of Gentlemen’ appear normal…. And, just as in the fictional BBC comedy show, all inhabitants of this cesspit seem to be related to each other. Good form of population control i guess – if Govt policies can then prevent them leaving in the first instance. But if Barnsley natives do leave their simple way of life behind, most look to seek their fame and fortune in “t’other country” – this being the bright lights of Sheffield. All the way of 15 miles down the M1. Hmm.
Cultural hotspots? yes – Barnsley now has “Mecca Bingo” as well as “Ockwell” – the home of Barnsley FC. It is rumoured that Mc Donalds will be opening their first outlet in 1990.
Tourism? As rumours of the town being turned into Europe’s largest inland lake appear unfounded, any poor bastards thinking of visiting Barnsley will be pleased to know that the visa requirements of visitors from lancashire will be abolished from January 2005, while train visitors from North and West Yorkshire will be guaranteed a pleasant journey should they remain conscious while dodging the flying bricks as you pass through Thurnscoe station. Also, black, mixed race or asian visitors to the town – expect to be looked at as though your UFO has crash-landed in circumstances similar to Roswell in 1947!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Barnsley! The place where your family tree WILL be a straight line! Bob “truly can be your uncle and your dad”!