Living in Marlow
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in Buckinghamshire, South East, United Kingdom

Full of smug, self-satisfied yummy-mummies and the stockbrokers who keep them, alongside ancient crumblies who clog the pavements walking 3 astride at 1mph.

On the weekend it acts as a haven for the High Wycombe catchment area, attracting aspirational lady diners and bar-goers in search of their very own stockbroker. Inevitably this attracts cynical gentlemen diners who disguise themselves as stockbrokers, a subterfuge which collapses after their second Stella and they revert to the oikish twats they really are.

Virtually nothing in the way of original live music – pretty much all local bands play covers of music which may not be newer than the 80s. They had a live drum and bass band here in 1998 which stretched Wycombe A+E to the extent it had to close.

The odd exception for a small acoustic duo who play reasonably up to date music on guitar (actually rather good). But innovation is actively frowned upon.

Generally the most excitement is generated when a new restaurant opens, particularly when it serves exactly the same fare as another nearby restaurant, but at 50% higher prices. The arrival of the Giggling Squid was heralded as something akin to the opening of the South Bucks branch of the Barbican, and the reopening of the Crown by Tom Kerridge has been met to breathless, gushing publicity unseen since the announcement of CrossRail.

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The car parks, bus lanes and streets are clogged with Chelsea tractors, particularly in the mid-late afternoon when the yummy-mummies are transporting their little darlings to and from school and/or Peppa Pig shows at the Slug and Lettuce. Public transport is risible, with a 30 minute journey from Maidenhead by train (a distance of 4 miles), or an equally long bus ride in either direction. A taxi fare costs £2-3 a mile.

Neighbouring Marlow are various council estates, only catered to by the Cross Keys, leaving a vast cultural gulf between the ciabatta-munching, Barbour-jacket toting haves and the remaining have-nots. The only form of cultural interplay outside of the very friendly O’Donohues weekly Open Mic session is the sport of comparing jewellery and sports jackets.

In short, a shiny, spotless jewel concealing a rotten underside of derivatives traders, smug women who are obsessed with useless trinkets and overpriced shoes in a merry-go-round of lifestyle retail businesses, and wide boys who aspire and/or pretend to be part of this milieu. I intend to leave as soon as possible.

  • ex unintentional marlowite

    I have just moved from marlow and this article represents my feelings exactly (I even wrote a poem, which I might post after this), my only regrets are 1) I didn’t write it and 2) I never met this kindred spirit whilst I was there.

  • Dawn Lowe

    Check facts. Tom Kerridge has recently opened The Coach. Not The Crown. What else do you have wrong?

  • Nell Rose

    I was born in marlow, along with all my family. They, like many families were poor, and there are still poor people living here. At least the original Marlovians. so its not all posh and money. In plain English, Marlovians are normal people, the ones who have moved in however are, as you said above, posh and pushy!


    Actually Marlow isn’t that bad as a place – I mean what it has to do.  I moved here as an already very successful business woman (retail) 5 years ago as I liked the idea of a town more than London.  I have to say its only the people that have actually started to depress me and I really didn’t expect that.  The attitude that I see here on this site is exactly like the ‘them and us’ attitude ruining it in reality in Marlow.  I’ve overheard so many ‘snobby’ conversations as I have sat in coffee shops and restaurants that I am now looking to move again to find a place where the topic of conversation is not based on status or being picky over what someone perceives to be lower class.  I find people don’t say hello or are cheerful here – they are both pretentious and suspicious of others first and very quick to judge based on materialistic things.  People on this site that have claimed that people are jealous because they can’t really afford to live in Marlow haven’t been to the many places around the UK where kindness, cheerfulness and acceptance of others prevails across all housing budgets.


    Marlow is rammed. The streets are not pleasant because of the traffic choking it up with fumes and noise. If you stand in a shop in the high street and the door is open you cannot hold a conversation. The parks are full of dog mess. I agree with the other posts that it is full of people that think they are something and that has pushed the prices of houses up. Fact is it isn’t special at all. If you think living by the M25 (aka ‘the car park’) then think again. Give me proper countryside any day.

  • Marcus

    As a Marlow lad born and bred and now living in the East Midlands I find your description amusing and bemusing. It is obvious that to you that culture is something that is in a Petri dish and class is something that began and ended in your first day at Primary school. However I do agree with one thing that you say and that is you really should leave as soon as possible. Staines isn’t too far down the road and that will reduce your removal costs. The name of the place might also suit you better. Ta Ta!!


      So you go from Marlow to the East Midlands?! Wowzers that must have hurt….

  • jane elliot


    • Robbo

      Spot on, Jane!! The voice of commonsense – thank you.

    • Burt

      This site is real. I am not the sites webmaster & feel it’s good to see people engaging to form a platform to out the scum we unfortunately have living in our midst.
      Dog fouling, vandalism, total dis-respect for the half of the neighbourhood who are more community minded, littering from all the unemployed bints clogging the road & driveways to waiting to pick their screaming, spitting, shrieking vile excuses for brats up from school so they can keep the income they recieve for defecating the ameoba out of their anus’s.
      I could go on & repeat are not the webmaster of this site. The comments posted regarding the denial of all who have made an effort to vent their spleen, this has obviously ripped a raw nerve & no doubt are one of the parochial morons mentioned previously.
      Iver Heath is different from Marlow as has mainly offcasts from within the M25 who mainly couldn’t afford to keep on living there. Us trodden on folk who have had to endure the relocating of the social detritus by the South Bucks Council & housing associations (who arn’t worth a w**k) are glad their is a somewhere to vomit.
      South Bucks in general is turning into a dumping ground.


      No I am a real person and have experienced Marlow so know all the downsides.

  • Ray

    Please leave as soon as possible! We have lived in Marlow for 35 years. I am a Northerner and my wife is from the Far East, so we were complete strangers here when we arrived. But we cannot imagine a more lovely place to live than Marlow. The town in beautiful, the people are friendly, it has some wonderful shops (e.g. Hunts hardware….stocks everything, often cheaper than B&Q, and wonderful staff), lovely restaurants, lovely park, wonderful riverside. It is also a very mixed community, very expensive houses but also a lot of ‘social’ housing. I am left wondering whether the author of the original note has ever actually been to Marlow!

  • Wide Boyz

    This is so accurate. I lived in High Wycombe for a while and there were plenty of people clambering to spend time in Marlow. One conceited twerp actually describes himself as the sexiest man in Marlow – who on earth would actually write that about themselves???!! Must spend hours jogging up and down the river path and preening himself before heading off to work – deciding how to rip everyone else off. That pretty much says it all. It’s all about the show – and the show-offs. False to the core. It is the kind of place you live if you want people to raise their eyebrows in a false display of “oh they have money then” kind of a way so you can feel smug about it – and let’s face it everyone wants to write “Died a Smug Bas*tard” on their gravestone. Marlow is not all that anyway – there are lots of very average parts and some quite rough…but nobody wants to admit that. The good news recently was that they got flooded from the Thames and all their little toys got all soggy and wet wooo-ined. Naughty naughty rain.

  • Matt Damon

    Funny how you can’t wait to leave as if it’s difficult to leave. House prices are phenomenal in Marlow, if you want to leave sell up and leave.
    Marlow would be a great deal better without all you little chavs wondering around complaining that everyone has more money than you

  • JAZZ

    You have made a mistake Kerridge has recently taken over the Coach and Horses NOT The Crown, how well do you really know the place you are criticising?

  • Anonymous

    I thoroughly disagree with the points raised in this article. I have grown up in Marlow, and am now a student. I can honestly say I wouldn’t have wanted to mature and develop anywhere else. Marlow feels like an extremely safe place to live for which I am exceedingly grateful! My current school is amazing, recently ranked one of the Tatler-approved state schools and located in Marlow. As for ‘the reopening of the Crown by Tom Kerridge’, this was the Coach that he has recently established again. To conclude, this may be your personal opinion based on your experiences of Marlow, but as I understand it I know many people who live in Marlow who love our town and so we would be ever so grateful if you could indeed ‘leave as soon as possible’.

  • Dave

    I’ve lived in this town my whole life and your article was well written and amusing! Although factually rather off the mark, I guess you can have some creative license. There are no bus lanes. Tom Kerridge opened “the Coach” (formerly a nice Chinese/Pub called the Coach & Horses). The two East Marlow “council estates” (I live in one and my sister the other) are generally privately owned housing developments with well built safe brick houses, parks and a scattering of social housing. The poorest estate average house price is creeping up to £300k (hence why they’ve mostly been bought up). West Marlow is still very expensive and there are plenty of Chelsea tractors as the schools are very sought after. If schools are not something you care about (or value in a residential area) it might not be a great place to live, but I have two young kids. Even the Secondary Modern school has been completely upgraded with new sports facilities. Of course we have lots of great Grammar schools which the rest of the country are jealous about. The High street has generally thrived in comparison to say Maidenhead or other towns in UK which are full of pound shops/bookies. Unfortunately like all areas of wealth you will get prententious people and plenty of bwankers, but as Loud fart says I’ll take these any day over chavvy scum.

  • Catherine

    Gosh, that does sound an unpleasant place to live. Still, those spoilt mummies could always have a whip-round to help you leave — something their wealthy husbands might call a ‘win-win’.

  • A bigger load raspberry

    Bad research, you have not found Coopers, doh!

  • Chris Meyer

    Good riddance and don’t come back, short sighted idiot who concentrates on the 10% at either end of the spectrum, marlow and the surrounding areas are NOTHING like this. Agreed we have got a number of the aforementioned YM with the chelsea tractors, but do you genuinely believe that Henley, Beaconsfield, Gerrards Cross etc haven’t got more? Im guessing this was a northerner, upset because there isnt a thriving ferret racing society.

  • Not interested

    Wow, you must be quite unhappy inside.

  • W

    Congratulations. You just published a ridiculously moronic stereotype of our town. Had you actually been to Marlow, you’d realize the extent of your maddeningly inaccurate bullshit. However, I think it would be best that you do not return; after all, there’s no room for any more smug, self-satisfied fools in this town.

  • Matthew

    A bit of generalisation from, what sounds like, a bit of a grumpy c**t. Otherwise, great article.